With the Democratic National Convention upon us, I, like many of my fellow Charlotteans, also want a piece of the political pie. The thing is — I’m not a delegate, I don’t have friends in high political places, and I don’t own a business that can benefit from the influx of celebrities and journalists to our city. Plus, I’ve been so disconnected taking care of my baby for the last few months that I don’t know many details about what exactly will be going on uptown.
This all had me feeling pretty sorry for myself. That is, until I realized that the very thing that’s kept me from getting more involved in pre-DNC activities holds the key to my rubbing elbows with some of the most influential political figures of our time. I have custody over one of the most effective tools of the political trade: A cute baby with perfectly kissable chubby cheeks.
Oh some of you may argue that there are other, more useful tools out there: A vice-presidential candidate with a complete disregard for the facts ... false television ads designed to highlight a stereotype ... a senile Hollywood actor talking to an empty chair. But none of these things come even close to the impact of a candidate’s lips on a precious, innocent baby.
If I learned anything from watching the RNC this past week, it’s that I can build it. That is why today, I am officially launching Kiss My Baby, Win Elections, a small business enterprise.
For a modest sum, political candidates can hold and kiss my son Pau in front of their constituents. Rates vary depending on the amount of time the baby spends in the candidate’s arms and the number of media outlets covering the event. No refunds will be given should Pau decide to poop, pee, spit up, or throw a tantrum during one of these interactions; those are all risks candidates must be willing to take.
But those risks are oh so worth it. Did you know that kissing a baby gives you an instant five point boost in the polls? Did you know that swing states are especially susceptible to Michelin baby thighs?* My baby is Hispanic. Boom! That’s an automatic guarantee of the much needed Latino vote. Plus, my baby is losing his hair and has no teeth. Yep, that’s right, he can also totally relate to another highly contested demographic: seniors. Finally, my baby knows what it's like to be unemployed. Until this opportunity came along, he had spent his entire life sitting in his bouncy chair staring aimlessly at the ceiling fan. It broke my heart to see him like that.
I have a feeling that some people out there might argue that through this endeavor, I am exploiting my child. But that kind of attitude is exactly what’s wrong with our country. I’m not exploiting him. I’m teaching him the value of hard work, of ingenuity, of sacrifice. Just because he’s two months old doesn't mean he should get a pass. All of us, from the infant to the geriatric, must work together to take our country forward.
*Please don’t ask me where these statistics come from. I will not let my business be dictated by fact checkers.