Over the past week, there have been discussions on social media about "going Dutch" — or paying for your own meal — for the first date.

This week’s dating tale is a good look at how NOT to bring up the "going Dutch" idea.

Melanie met Al on a dark, starry night while walking to her car after enjoying a night out with her friends. They exchanged numbers and in the following days, did what folks USED to do — actually talk on the phone, not just text. Al does what any normal male interested in getting to know a nice young lady does: he asks her out on a date. Yes, y’all A DATE. Not a booty call, not that "can I come over to your house and ‘kick it’ or ‘hang out’" type ish. So, Melanie is elated, because like I’ve told y’all before, dates like this just don’t happen much, it seems, around the Queen City.

Fast-forward a few days and they agree to keep it low key and meet at a restaurant near her job. You know this is going to have a red flag right? Al wants to meet at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday night for no reason that he can articulate, except he wants to finish watching something on television. Blink blink blink.

Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl out. Boy and girl go out and everything goes well and they skip off into the sunset. Sounds just like a Lifetime movie minus the drama, huh? By now, we’ve established that in dating and love, there is no movie script to follow; it’s just navigating these choppy dating waters the best way we know how. So, without further ado, welcome to another tale of dating in Charlotte.

Sarah met Chris at his part-time job at the gas station. He asked her out, and a few days later, she picks him up to go to Applebee’s in the University area. (Side note: I can already see the tweets about Applebee’s not being a prime location for a first date, but you gotta go where your pockets will allow you to go, mmk?) So our lovely couple gets to the restaurant, and Sarah orders water and a salad. Chris, on the other hand, orders a steak, Sprite and sweet tea, which brings the total dinner to about $25. (Not bad for a first date.) As soon as the check comes, Chris has absolutely not one ounce of give-a-damn and asks if Sarah would like to split the bill 50/50.

*blink blink blink*

Chris. Chris. Chris. If you didn’t have enough money for the date, you should have taken Sarah to the boardwalk and let her get an ice cream cone. For $5, you could have called it a night. But hey, I’m sleep.

Sarah informs cheap ass that she has no problem leaving a tip, but she is not paying for any of the stuff he ate. Besides, she drove. In the end, he reluctantly paid for the meal.

Needless to say, the next stop is to drop Chris off at home. On the way to his house, he pulls the tried and true line of, "Let’s finish the night off at my house and watch a movie." Sarah, being the nice person she is — or maybe she just doesn’t want to go home yet — agrees to come in.

Welcome to this week’s house of dating horrors. I figured I couldn’t just tell your stories without telling one of my own.

Once upon a time, I decided to venture into online dating. Now, don’t get me wrong, online dating can be a great way to meet people without having to set one toe into a bar, club, lounge, or for some of you heathens, church.

I started corresponding with a nice guy named Joe. Nice meaning he was in his late 20s, had a great job, was intelligent, could hold a convo, and best of all, could read and write. Listen to me when I tell you that fact alone is a rarity these days. Anyway, we had a couple of dates, and everything seems to be heading into the right direction.

So, it’s inevitable that Joe wants to graduate to the dreaded “house dates.” Those consist of going to his/her house and watching movies, cooking dinner, a little touchy feely, and probably intimacy at some point. At this point, I didn’t want him to come to my house, but I figured there’s no harm in going to his house to check things out, right?

Have you ever been on a date when you think all signs are pointing to a strong possibility of a second or third date? Everything is going right: the conversation is on point; he smells good, looks right and even has manners. He opens doors, makes sure you are comfortable and genuinely seems interested in learning about you and not just seeing what color panties you have on.

Perfect date material, isn’t it. Too bad this isn’t how this week’s date played out.

Once upon a time, a woman named Gloria met a nice handsome man named Lavon. Now, Lavon was sexy — well, according to Gloria. I haven’t seen a picture so I can’t speak on that.

Anyway, Lavon asks Gloria out to dinner. She says everything was right: They had a nice dinner and some great conversation.

Allow me to interject one thing here, fellas. The way to our heart sometimes is being able to hold an INTELLIGENT, WITTY and FUNNY conversation. Learn to talk about other things than just sex and what you can do and what you want in the bedroom. Nobody — well, unless they are looking for a booty call — wants to hear all that for the first few convos. Besides, you might think you are working with a lot and you may just get your feelings hurt later.

Back to the story.

Gloria and Lavon are really feeling each other, so of course they don’t want the evening to come to an end just yet, so Lavon asks her if she’d like a nightcap at his place.

I swear to gawd, I thought that nightcap line was just for primetime dramas and soap operas, but hey, if it works, use what you know!

Guess who's bizack?

So, most of you probably don't remember me, so allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is ... I almost typed HOV but had to reel that in for a second. Well, you can check the bio and you'll know exactly who I am.

In my return to Creative Loafing's Bangtown, I'm interested in sharing stories of the good, bad and ugly sides of dating in the Queen City. I know I can't be alone in this journey to uncover the one, and we all have to kiss a few frogs and THOTS before you find your Prince Charming or Princess Not a Hoe, am I right?

Let's kick off with a story I had no business eavesdropping on but couldn't stop myself. The names have been changed to protect the dumb and innocent, so buckle up — this could get a little ... wet.