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Thursday, July 10, 2014

A lasting impression

Posted By on Thu, Jul 10, 2014 at 1:18 PM

Have you ever been on a date when you think all signs are pointing to a strong possibility of a second or third date? Everything is going right: the conversation is on point; he smells good, looks right and even has manners. He opens doors, makes sure you are comfortable and genuinely seems interested in learning about you and not just seeing what color panties you have on.

Perfect date material, isn’t it. Too bad this isn’t how this week’s date played out.

Once upon a time, a woman named Gloria met a nice handsome man named Lavon. Now, Lavon was sexy — well, according to Gloria. I haven’t seen a picture so I can’t speak on that.

Anyway, Lavon asks Gloria out to dinner. She says everything was right: They had a nice dinner and some great conversation.

Allow me to interject one thing here, fellas. The way to our heart sometimes is being able to hold an INTELLIGENT, WITTY and FUNNY conversation. Learn to talk about other things than just sex and what you can do and what you want in the bedroom. Nobody — well, unless they are looking for a booty call — wants to hear all that for the first few convos. Besides, you might think you are working with a lot and you may just get your feelings hurt later.

Back to the story.

Gloria and Lavon are really feeling each other, so of course they don’t want the evening to come to an end just yet, so Lavon asks her if she’d like a nightcap at his place.

I swear to gawd, I thought that nightcap line was just for primetime dramas and soap operas, but hey, if it works, use what you know!

At the house, Lavon pours some glasses of wine and slides closer to her, doing the lowered droopy eye thing that so many men think is sexy (cue Marvin Gaye’s "I Want You"). The two begin to kiss. Actually, scratch that, we need some Teddy Pendergrass for this tale. (Cue "Turn Off The Lights.")

The kissing continues and the heavy petting starts. Panties slide off and into the bedroom they go.

Things are starting to escalate: his shirt comes off, then hers. Lavon decides to take the plunge, to the land of love below. (I hope we are all adults here and know which anatomy part I am speaking of ... but if not, it’s the coochie.)

So Lavon is licking, sucking and acting like he is going to get his dinner’s worth out of that thang. Just as Gloria is about to reach Mount Everest, the lights come on.

Unless Teddy Pendergrass came back from the great beyond, I don't think this was in the script. WHO THE HELL TURNED THE LIGHTS ON?!

No, Lavon doesn’t have a clap-on-clap-off light. His dear old mother has walked in on his munch fest. Mommy Dearest is obviously none too happy, as she screams her head off, asking why Lavon is in her house with a woman.

Readers, let’s pause here for a moment and ponder some things, shall we? Number one: So Lavon does have his own place to take his dates? Number two: Why is Gloria spread-eagled on the first date anyway when she hasn’t had time to do a background check and check all social media sites? And number three: Is Lavon’s mama staring at Gloria’s cookie box? Cuz … awkward.

Lavon, of course, starts stuttering. “Mama, I thought you were going to be out of town!”

To Gloria, he says, "I just wanted to impress you and let you think this house was mine.”

But don’t count Lavon out just yet. He still has the manners his mommy taught him and proceeds to introduce his mother to his lovely — and very naked — date Gloria, who is struggling to find her panties. (Cue Andre 3000’s “Where are my Panties” interlude.)

As you quell your laughter, consider the lesson from this tale. Do your research on someone before you go out. Chile, these days that includes finding out their living situation, gender preference, relationship with their families, and more. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Lavon and Gloria did NOT make it to date number two. Oh, and Lavon, we are NOT impressed.

Want to share your own dating story? Shoot an email to backtalk@creativeloafing.com. We'll keep your identity a secret — we just want to know what dating in Charlotte really looks like!

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