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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Boo Boo the Fool

Posted By on Thu, Jul 24, 2014 at 12:42 PM

Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl out. Boy and girl go out and everything goes well and they skip off into the sunset. Sounds just like a Lifetime movie minus the drama, huh? By now, we’ve established that in dating and love, there is no movie script to follow; it’s just navigating these choppy dating waters the best way we know how. So, without further ado, welcome to another tale of dating in Charlotte.

Sarah met Chris at his part-time job at the gas station. He asked her out, and a few days later, she picks him up to go to Applebee’s in the University area. (Side note: I can already see the tweets about Applebee’s not being a prime location for a first date, but you gotta go where your pockets will allow you to go, mmk?) So our lovely couple gets to the restaurant, and Sarah orders water and a salad. Chris, on the other hand, orders a steak, Sprite and sweet tea, which brings the total dinner to about $25. (Not bad for a first date.) As soon as the check comes, Chris has absolutely not one ounce of give-a-damn and asks if Sarah would like to split the bill 50/50.

*blink blink blink*

Chris. Chris. Chris. If you didn’t have enough money for the date, you should have taken Sarah to the boardwalk and let her get an ice cream cone. For $5, you could have called it a night. But hey, I’m sleep.

Sarah informs cheap ass that she has no problem leaving a tip, but she is not paying for any of the stuff he ate. Besides, she drove. In the end, he reluctantly paid for the meal.

Needless to say, the next stop is to drop Chris off at home. On the way to his house, he pulls the tried and true line of, "Let’s finish the night off at my house and watch a movie." Sarah, being the nice person she is — or maybe she just doesn’t want to go home yet — agrees to come in.

At the ripe old age of over 30, i.e., too damn grown for this, Chris lives in a college-campus type of apartment. There are four bedrooms, each with its own bathroom, and he and his roommates all share the common areas. As there’s no television in the living room, guess where the couple has to watch the movie? You got it: in his messy room.

Sarah perches on the end of the bed to watch the 13-inch, old-school television, and Chris excuses himself to use the bathroom. Five minutes go by ... 10 minutes ... 15 minutes ... and the only sounds heard are several flushes, water running, fan on blast and a couple sprays of air freshener.

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Now, why Sarah hasn’t left yet is beyond me. Twenty minutes later, as Sarah decides it’s time to just leave, she gets a text message from Chris: “I am soooo sorry, I am just going to be a few more minutes, this is taking longer than I expected.”

I suppose he was a bit busy and couldn’t just YELL into the other room that he’d be out momentarily. I suppose texting while wiping makes the most sense. *blank stare*

Sarah, again, being the nice date, sits back down and decides not to abandon Chris in his time of bowel disruption. After another 15 minutes goes by, Chris finally comes out of the bathroom, spraying behind him, apologizing. As he sets the spray can down, he asks, “Hey, do you have any hand sanitizer?”

Soooooo, you mean to tell me that this grown man just had a massive bubble gut eruption and does not have any soap to wash his nasty hands?! *blink blink blink*

Sarah, dear Sarah, hands him the hand sanitizer, and they perch on the end of his twin bed to continue watching the movie. A few minutes later, Sarah tells him she has to go because she has to work early the next morning. Because she doesn’t get right up to leave, Chris looks at her uncomfortably, his stomach churning and gurgling, and asks, “So, what time are you leaving, because I have to go back to the bathroom, and I’m afraid that I am going to be a lot longer this time.”

Finally— finally! — Sarah takes that as her cue to exit. Thirty minutes later, she receives a text from Chris saying he had a great time and can’t wait to go out again.

There are so many lessons in this week’s story, but I’ll keep this short. If you have a severe case of the bubble guts, there’s no need to bring a date back to the house. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to hear nor smell what you have going on. When nature calls, answer and just let those around you know that you need to be left in peace. Soap is your friend; make sure you have plenty of it because hand sanitizer alone is not going to get that boo boo residue out from under your nails.

I’m starting to notice that the dating trend in the Queen City is leaning toward the release of bodily functions. Dating can be such a stinker can’t it?

Want to share your own dating story? Good, Bad, Ugly—Go ahead, shoot an email to backtalk@creativeloafing.com. We'll keep your identity a secret — we just want to know what dating in Charlotte really looks like!

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