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Thursday, August 14, 2014

One man's baggage is a lonely woman's headache

Posted By on Thu, Aug 14, 2014 at 10:00 AM

Dating can be a bit of a tossup in a city that's familiar, but if you just moved to the Queen City, it can be a bit intimidating.

Tori recently moved to the area, and of course she wanted to meet folks, so she decided to try online dating. After a bunch of mofos, illiterate, shady characters, she finally stumbles upon one she feels she could possibly get to know. His name is Brian. On paper, Brian has everything going for him: a job, no kids but wants kids, says he has goals, respects women, and doesn't like to play games. Best of all, no drama.

Tori and Brian decide to meet up for a low-key dinner one night — Chipotle. Everybody loves Chipotle, and if you don't, I'm giving you the side eye right now.

So, date night arrives. Both get there on time, both are pleased that neither were cat-fished. Food is great, conversation is great ... UNTIL..

You knew this was coming. Dates in the Queen City aren't without an UNTIL or a BUT.

Brian decides it's time to break every first date rule and dump his baggage right in the middle of their burritos and chips.

"So, I um ... I have a baby on the way."

Did he call her baby? Or did he say he has a baby? His profile said NO KIDS!

Tori puts her fork down.

Brian continues, "See, me and my baby mama broke up right before she told me she was pregnant, so that's why I'm out here dating trying to find the one."

Tori is thinking, OK, well, he's being honest, can't fault that. Riiiiight Tori ... riiiiiiight.

Brian continues shoveling the ish: "... and, well, baby mama lives with me right now. You know, until she can get on her feet, but I'm still single."

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Let me make sure that I understand this. He is out here dating, but his pregnant ex, soon-to-be baby mama is living with him?! Hmmm ... I don't know about you, readers, but I would have politely packed up my burrito, bid him a goodnight and went the hell on home.

Tori is a nice — maybe too nice — girl. Instead she decides that because she is new to town and doesn't know anyone, it still can't hurt to get to know him.

But Brian isn't finished. "We don't even sleep in the same room. I haven't slept with her since last month."

See, fellas, there comes a time, when you should just keep certain details to your dayum self. Tori didn't need to know on your first date who you hunching and when you hunched 'em!

Tori, being the trooper she is, remains resolved to be friends with this fool. So she thanks him for telling her and she would still love to get to know him.

The amount of blinking that I am doing right now can't even be written out into words.

So, Brian asks her out for a second date, and Tori agrees.

Now the second date gets a little touchy. Tori lets Brian come over to her house. Let me press pause on this for one mofo'n hot minute. House dates with mofos you barely know? Am I the only one who watches the news? Folks outchea killing folks over peen and cookie boxes!

Well, I guess truth be told, Tori can't go to Brian's house unless she wants to deal with a pregnant woman giving her the evil go-to-hell eyeball.

So, they decide to watch a movie. Of course, Brian takes it there: His hands get to roaming all on Tori and NOW she's upset.

Ma'am? It took him touching you for you to be mad? What about ... see ... nevermind. Where is Kermit the Frog when I need a cup of tea to sip?

Tori decides Brian is moving way too fast (hey, she invited him into her home — he probably thought the bakery was on and the doughnuts were hot and ready). Brian gets shown the door, but not before he asks, "Are you sure I can't spend the night? I really don't want to go home and be around my baby mama."

If Tori don't shove him out the door already!

Needless to say, there wasn't a third date. The lesson here is this: When someone reveals to you who they are, believe them. He already claimed his baggage, damn unpacked it and laid out the fact he had drama in his life. Like I always say, you have to pay attention to those red flags. Don't go ignoring them in an effort to ease your loneliness. It's better to be lonely then stressed out over some drama you just walked into.

Want to share your own dating story? Good, Bad, Ugly—Go ahead, shoot an email to backtalk@creativeloafing.com. We'll keep your identity a secret — just let us know what dating in the Queen City is really like!

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