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Thursday, August 28, 2014

The never-ending date with a guy who refused to shower

Posted By on Thu, Aug 28, 2014 at 12:21 PM

If you watch Catfish on MTV, you already know online dating can be scary. This week, I decided to share one of my own online dating experiences gone awry.

Several years ago, I took a chance on Yahoo Personals, and was going back and forth with a guy named Reggie. He was from New York and seemed like he had some sense. He said he owned his own business — basically, he looked good on paper. We instant-messaged each other for a couple of weeks, and then exchanged phone numbers. One day, I get a text that reads: "Hey, I'm traveling on business, and I'll be in your city on Tuesday, I can't wait to meet you."

In hindsight, I realize my response should have been "WTF." But because I thought there was some divine connection, and I was incredibly naive back then, I texted back, "Can't wait, I'll pick you up from the airport!"

I reached out to a couple of friends to roll with me, but no one's available. So I go to the airport alone, only to find, of course, that Reggie looks NOTHING like his pictures. He's still kind of attractive, though, so I keep an open mind.

Immediately, I notice he's only carrying one bag. While I think it's a bit strange, since he's allegedly doing all this traveling, I ignore the blazing red flag.

As we're walking to exit the airport, I ask Reggie where he's staying, what hotel I can drop him off at. "Well, my room isn't ready yet," he replies. Me, being the dumb, naive chick I was at the time, let that answer fly.

So, guess where lil ole me takes him? You got it. My apartment. *blink blink blink*

After a couple hours of sitting in pure awkward forced conversation, I ask him if he thinks his room could be ready now.

"My assistant messed up my reservations. Can I just stay here tonight?"

Again, dumb me being the pushover, says, "Well, you don't seem crazy, so, sure, you can sleep on the couch, no problem."

We eat dinner, and soon it's bedtime. I head into the bathroom to get ready for bed, and come out, looking toward the couch to make sure he's good and comfy. He's not there. When I go into my bedroom, I find this mofo is naked in my bed.

After I get over my shock, I ask him why he and his balls are laying on my sheets.

"Baby, I don't do couches. I'm 6'4."

I let him have the bed, and slept on the couch with one eye open.

The next day, I didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone in my home, so I did what anybody out of their dayum mind would do: I called off work. I ask Reggie again about his hotel room, and more importantly, when he's leaving. He informs me that he only bought a one-way ticket.

DO WHAT NOW?

He then fixes his lips to tell me that his woman needs to cook, so I need to get my ass in the kitchen to make him a meal. Of course, we got into an argument over that. When his phone rings, interrupting our bickering, Reggie stomps off into my room to take the call. From what I can hear, it sounds like he has major baby mama drama. The phone call last for TWO hours. When he finally gets off, I ask him what's going on. He tells me that it's none of my business, that it was his "assistant" calling for work. Yeah, right.

Obviously, this is not a love connection, and by this point I'm flat out over it and a little scared of this dude. But I don't know how to get rid of him. One of my friends comes over, and we try everything to tactfully get him to leave. Considering this now, we should have just called the police.

The next day (yes, he's STILL THERE) I realize I've yet to see him take a shower — or even a hoe bath. I even told him I left a towel and washcloth out for him. His response: "Naw, ma, I'm good."

Ninja, you allergic to washing your ass? Wha ...

The next day I get a call for a job interview out of town. Finally, a glimmer of hope for freedom. I tell him it's been nice visiting, but I've got to leave town and he can't stay at my house. Instead of conceding, he tell me, "It's OK. I'll just go with you."

*fights air* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

To make a long story short, he did end up riding with me, but luckily had somewhere for me to drop his stankin ass off. Not one time did he pump gas, pay for gas, or food, but he did offer to buy me a new car since he thought mine was beneath his "baller" status. Chile, please.

Lesson here: If you meet someone online, don't bring them to the house immediately. You can't trust folks. He could have killed me and stole all my ish and it would have been my own dayum, naive fault.

Want to share your own dating story? Good, Bad, Ugly—Go ahead, shoot an email to backtalk@creativeloafing.com. We'll keep your identity a secret — just let us know what dating in the Queen City is really like!

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