Thursday, September 4, 2014

What should have been an episode of 'Drunk in Love' takes an awkward turn

Posted By on Thu, Sep 4, 2014 at 1:56 PM

At some point during the dating process, the convo or even action of sex is bound to take place.

There are however some things that you have to handle before dropping your drawls and bumping uglies.

Cara and Josh had been dating for about a month. Notice I didn’t say relationship, but they were dating. So it’s safe to assume they are pretty comfortable with each other by now. One night, after a couple hours of drinking, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, and Cara is thinking this is the night that Josh is gonna get some. Josh is pretty hype himself about the situation because, unlike some of these men around here, he was OK with waiting for Cara.

Josh and Cara go back to her place for a night cap ( I swear every time I type that I think of Billy Dee Williams and his smooth suave self back in the day and wonder if he used that line, “Would you like to come in for a night cap?”) Anyway, there’s a lot of kissing, rubbing, touching and moaning going on. Josh picks Cara up (chile, he sounds strong don’t he?) and carries her into her bedroom. Luckily, Cara had cleaned her room so she no longer had clothes everywhere. Josh dives downtown and Cara gets weak (I know you are catching my SWV references here).

Now, it’s time to take it up a notch, and Josh has his condom in place, ready to take the plunge. Just as he’s about to enter, Cara screams, “Wait!”

Uh oh. This ain’t bout to be good.

Josh is looking at her all kinds of crazy at this point “Is something wrong? What do you mean, wait?”

Cara whispers, “There’s a problem.”

Now, readers, I don’t know about you but I’m thinking the problems cannot be the following:

1. She can’t be worried about her kitty cat being shaved or even clean because he’s already been nose-diving deep in there.

2. She can’t be worried about having hairy legs, because again, they were wrapped around his waist at some point I’m sure.

3. This can’t be her first time, but hey, there are a few virgins over the age of 25.

4. She can’t be worried about contraceptives, because he just put a condom on, unless she poked a hole in it? Hmmmm.

5. She can’t be worried about Jehovah’s Witnesses banging down the door, killing the vibe — they ain’t out this late!

So Josh, still poised in position, is still waiting on Cara to spit it out. Cara finally mumbles, “I think I left my tampon in.”

Josh responds, “You want my jumbo peen? Baby I’m 'bout to give it you.”

Sigh. Communication efforts must be made LOUD AND CLEAR. Let’s try this again, Cara, shall we?

Cara clears her throat while pushing him off her. “I said, I think I left my tampon in.”

Now, I have to wonder: Did Josh suck the string off the tampon and not notice or ...? More importantly, did he not go in there far enough to even notice something is blocking the pathway to the bakery? I have questions that need some serious answers people!

Cara jumps up and goes into the bathroom, and is gone for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile, Josh and his jumbo peen are plotting an escape, because clearly, no good is about to come from this. He keeps asking her if everything is OK, and she just keeps yelling out a strangled cry that sounds like yes. I don’t know what is going on in that bathroom, but Cara, you got peen in your bed waiting on you girl!

Finally, Cara comes out. “I can’t find the tampon,” she says.

Josh sits up. “What? Like, it’s gone and you really took it out already and we can have sex now?”

Oh, Josh. Way to be supportive.

“I think I need to go to the emergency room," Cara says. "I can’t find the tampon. I know I never took it out. It must be way up there. It’s stuck.”

Josh just stares at her.

Long story short, Josh takes her to the emergency room. Talk about an embarrassing end to a date where you thought you were about to be "Drunk in Love" all night long. The doctor never finds a tampon, and Cara remembers that her period ended a couple days prior. That's awkward.

The two return to Cara’s place, where they eventually do have a fun night of sexual relations. The next day, however, Josh tells Cara he never wants to see her again.

Today's lesson: I know it’s easy to get caught up in the moment, and I know when you are ready to jump on it and get it in, that’s all you are thinking about. But sometimes you gotta do a self check before you decide to use your "Surfboardt" and swerve on that big body. Just when I thought Josh was about some ish, he shows his ass and reminds me yet again, that sex is all most mofos are after.

Want to share your own dating story? Good, Bad, Ugly—Go ahead, shoot an email to backtalk@creativeloafing.com. We'll keep your identity a secret — just let us know what dating in the Queen City is really like!

Tags: , , ,

Pin It
Submit to Reddit
Favorite

Comments

Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

Creative Loafing encourages a healthy discussion on its website from all sides of the conversation, but we reserve the right to delete any comments that detract from that. Violence, racism and personal attacks that go beyond the pale will not be tolerated.

Search Events


www.flickr.com
items in Creative Loafing Charlotte More in Creative Loafing Charlotte pool

© 2019 Womack Digital, LLC
Powered by Foundation