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Friday, November 7, 2014

A bar crawl turned bedroom romp gets sticky

Posted By on Fri, Nov 7, 2014 at 10:46 AM

Last week, we discussed sexting and unsolicited naked pictures. This week's dating story has absolutely nothing to do with that. I just wanted to remind you about that post.

Matt meets Helen during a St. Patty's Day bar crawl. While I have never attended a bar crawl, I assume dang near everybody is drunk. Obviously these two were. You know how y'all do when you knock back a few beers and get a lil tipsy — you stick your tongue down folk’s throats and make out like you are in high school.

Helen invites Matt back to her house to get to know each other better. *record scratch* Again, what have I told y'all about taking mofos you don't know to the house? One day, y'all will listen to me.

The new boo'd-up couple catch a cab to Helen's place, which isn't far from Uptown. They are all over each other. Once they get to her condo, they are pratically tearing each other's clothes off. Does this happen in real life?

Helen said a trail of clothes were left from the door to the bedroom. They are ready for the showdown, condom in place, all systems go. That is, until Matt starts to feel a little woozy. Helen said she just thought they needed to slow down, since he kept telling her he didn't feel so good. Oh, Helen. When one drinks and claims things aren’t going so well, listen to him.

I’m sure you can guess what happened next. As Helen goes in for another kiss, good ole Matt throws up every bit of beer and peanuts he had over the course of the evening on Helen, her bed and everything nearby.

I don’t know about you, but I am absolutely disgusted. I guess the upside is Helen is probably damn near naked, so she can just hop in the shower to handle the barf all over her. She said she felt bad for not listening to him when he said he was not feeling too hot, so she cleaned up the puke while he sat there and watched.

So, Matt didn’t even lift a pinky to clean up his own vomit? Not even wipe himself off, nothing?!

There’s nothing like a little chunky puke to ruin the mood. Needless to say, there was no hunching going on in that condo. Helen let Matt stay the rest of the night, but the next morning, he needs a ride back to his car Uptown. She said maybe it was because there were traces of leftover vomit caked all in her hair and under her nails, but she just wanted him out of her house. She makes him call someone to get him rather than drive him to his car. The next problem? Matt can’t recall where he left his car. At this point, though, it is no longer Helen’s issue. The two did not go out again; they didn’t even bother to exchange Instagram or Twitter info.

Lesson here is this: STOP TAKING FOLKS HOME WITH YOU THAT YOU JUST MET! But if you can’t stop doing that, then at least make sure you are sober enough to enjoy your hunch session.

Have you had a good or bad dating experience that you want to share? Go ahead, shoot an email to backtalk@creativeloafing.com. We'll keep your identity a secret — just let us know what dating in the Queen City is really like!

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