I spent last Tuesday night in custody of the CMPD with a blood alcohol level of .08. No, I wasn't drinking and driving -- I was at the CMPD Police Academy acting as a test dummy for the training of officers in administering new sobriety tests ... kinda like jury duty.
They had me drink 50 ml of liquor in intervals for three straight hours; I was throwing back rum and Cokes and cranberry vodkas while listening to cops tell stories of DWI arrests -- and how they're going to heavily patrol the route between the EpiCentre and N.C. Music Factory. They had me blow into the "Intoximeter" at 1.5 hours later with the equivalent to 8 airplane bottles in me, which made me -- in my mind -- legally drunk. Yet, I only blew a .04 ... Apparently, your BAC is the highest an hour after you stop drinking. After another hour-and-a-half of drinking, 14 different cops ran a series of physical tests on me -- the Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus where they look for six different clues in the eyes, lack of smooth pursuit, walk-and-turn test and one-leg stand.
The cops are trained to demonstrate the moves in the tests, and one's example looked as though he was trying to do the dance from "Thriller." So, I proceeded to full out dance like Michael Jackson. I also threw in a kick-ball-change turn every now and then. And when asked to stand on one foot I'd proceed to dig my foot into my thigh and assume the "tree" yoga pose.
Apparently, I am a rather coordinated drunk because despite my antics, I still fooled 12 cops; only two of the 14 said they'd have arrested me. "Need I remind you that people tend to dance better when they're drunk," I told them on my way out ... to be escorted home in the back of a cop car.
The cops passed my camera around and took pictures while I was undergoing my physical tests. And one got a little too trigger-happy on the zoom button ... while pointing the camera directly at my ass. Eww. I can't make this shit up ... see it on Brittney After Dark: The Slammer Edition at brittneyafterdark.com.