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Bizzare crime from Charlotte police files (Nov. 24) 

Brushing ahead

My Two Nuts A thief in north Charlotte last week put in more effort than was necessary for such a small amount of loot. Employees at a food catering company said that an unknown suspect cut through a fence on the business's property only to steal two lug nuts from two of the company's trucks; one from each truck.

Maternal Instinct A woman in north Charlotte last week became very suspicious of her son's girlfriend after her boy came home with an injury. According to the woman who reported the non-crime, her 17-year-old son told her he had fallen and hit his head, and the girlfriend had confirmed this story. The mother, however, wasn't buying it. She called police and told them it's her belief that the girlfriend had somehow caused her son to hit his head, because no boy she raised could possibly fall over.

Need a Handle A woman was apprehended at Target in southwest Charlotte last week while trying to leave the store with $400 worth of toothbrush heads. I wasn't even aware toothbrush heads were a thing, but I guess it could work if you just tape it to your finger and use that.

New Paint Job A 39-year-old man's car was vandalized in northeast Charlotte last week by someone who tried to fix the damage they had done; possibly one of those Sour Patch Kids from the commercials. According to the report, someone damaged his 2008 Cadillac STS while it was parked outside his residence by puncturing all four tires, removing the Cadillac emblem and pouring an unknown substance on the vehicle that caused the paint to chip. However, the vandal tried to fix that last problem before leaving the scene, as they poured an entire bucket of black paint all over the top of the car. Now you have a black Cadillac — it just needs some new tires.

Riding With Strangers A 53-year-old woman didn't have to pay an Uber fee for her ride out of Uptown last week, but it still cost her. The woman filed a police report stating that she accepted a ride from a complete stranger as she left College Street one night, but once she returned home she realized that she had left her entire pocketbook in the stranger's car. Not only did she not know the name of the driver, she couldn't remember what type of car they drove, either.

Heavy Dog While dognapping is a pretty common occurrence to see while sifting through CMPD reports, the fake dogs usually keep themselves out of the news. That's until a resident in southeast Charlotte woke last week to find that someone had made off with his not-so-furry friend. A 60-year-old man filed a report stating that someone came to his house while he was sleeping and made off with a $300 concrete statue of a weimaraner dog. The man said the statue was awfully heavy, but that the thief also stole a child's wagon from the garage, which was probably used to cart off the overweight pooch.

Not Welcome Here Police were called to a Subway location in northwest Charlotte last week after multiple people entered the store at around 8 p.m. who the employees thought were "dressed suspiciously." The report does not explain what that means exactly, but if anyone in the group was dressed like Jared Fogle then the call was justified.

Riding Dirty A litterbug was caught red-handed by a good Samaritan last week, and was found to be also perpetuating the stereotype of the lazy pothead. Police got a call from an eyewitness in west Charlotte who saw the suspect toss a large amount of trash out the window as they drove down the road near the I-485/I-85 interchange. Police actually responded and found the offender, as rare as that is in a littering call, and found the suspect to also be in possession of four grams of marijuana. We're all for legalization around here, but handle your damn trash, would ya?

Triggered In more news about police having to waste their time, officers were called to southwest Charlotte last week after a 49-year-old woman couldn't take being yelled at without the presence of law enforcement. The so-called victim in the case told police that a known suspect "yelled at her about parking spaces being changed" when she arrived at work one morning. The report was filed as a miscellaneous/non-criminal incident and it's unclear how it was resolved, and we don't care. But if we had to read abut it, you do too.

Swapping Spit A 34-year-old man in South End called police last week after he said he was assaulted by a female suspect. The man told officers on the scene that he was arguing with a woman when "she assaulted him by throwing the chewing gum in her mouth at his left eye, striking him." In an unrelated incident, a police officer was assaulted at Carolinas Medical Center near Uptown last week in an experience that was surely not pleasant, but not as bad as the report made it sound. According to the report, a suspect assaulted the officer by "emitting a bodily fluid into the right eye of the officer." They really need to find a better way to say spit.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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