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Call for snark 

CL is looking for the next Michael Musto or Molly Ivins

We want the snark. Give up the snark. We need the snark. Gotta have the snark.
— Parliament Snarkaldelic, 1976

Professor George Clinton of the Academy of the High Funk didn't exactly write those specific words in "Tear the Roof off the Sucker," but we think the good Dr. Funkenstein would agree with the general thrust of my appeal this week for snark. After all, what good is an alternative newsmedia outlet if we don't offer a little snark with all our love of local art, music and politics?

We at Creative Loafing do love this city's crazy theaters of politics, culture, art, music and all the rest. We write about the stuff every friggin' week, fer chrissakes! And one of the many ways we show our love is — when possible and appropriate — with copious amounts of snark. The more love we have, the more snark we give. Isn't that sweet of us?

"Snark: noun. Combination of 'snide' and 'remark.' Sarcastic comment(s). Also snarky (adj.) and snarkily (adv.)

His commentary was rife with snark. 'Your boundless ineptitude is astounding,' she snarkily declared." — Urban Dictionary

Here's the deal: We think CL could use a little more snark. Smart snark. Clever snark. Well-read, informed, quick-witted, make-people-laugh-until-they-snort snark.

So, for my editor's note this week, I am extending an invitation to all you snarky guys and gals who think you may have a talent for writing. Do you worship at the alter of Michael Musto or Dan Savage? Do Amy Sedaris, her bro David, the late Molly Ivans, Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Wyatt Cenac, Sarah Vowell and — OK, pretty much all those Jon Stewart people — send you into fits of uncontrolled giggles, often to the point of making you feel a little creepy about yourself? Do you consider yourself almost as smart, irreverent and opinionated as them? (If so, you already have the correct level of ego.)

Here's the rub: You must be able to put all that clever sass and snark into 300 or 400 words of well-organized wittitude. Because we're not looking for people who pen endless, diary-like blogs that go on and on and on and say nothing, nothing, nothing. We're looking for those of you who can really write — ideally, those of you who already have written — solid humor pieces in easily digestible chunks of inspired ... well, brilliance. Nothing short of absolute brilliance, actually.

If you fit the bill, give us a holler. As soon as we find you, we'd like to begin trying out a few of you bright and irreverent columnists/humorists who have a solid feel for Charlotte's diversity and can cover local politics, local celebrity gossip, sex, music, art and other potential minefields for CL's print and online editions. If you're half as good as any of the names I rattled off above, we'd like to help you win some awards.

Come on, what do you have to lose? Keep entertaining the folks in your cubicles at that big-ass bank — or preach to the snark-deprived masses? Your choice.

Hit us up at backtalk@creativeloafing.com.

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