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In search of a new buttie 

"It's a quarter after 1, I'm a little drunk and I need you now" ... are some of the lyrics in Lady Antebellum's hit song "Need You Now." This booty call ballad is so popular they even performed it at the Grammy's. I think it's safe to say it's because a lot of people can relate to it ... you know, that drunken desperation that creeps in after dark, when the lights go out.

Does alcohol make us drunk to our own independence? Is it laced with pheromones that seduce us into craving company and companionship? Whatever it is, I can tell you that the only time I even notice the vacancy in my bed or think about my ex is when I'm a little drunk -- and left alone with an impaired mind that surfaces my heart's bad memories and irrational inner loneliness.

I deleted certain numbers from my phone to handicap myself from dialing in drunken desperation. The sad thing is I don't even have a "buttie" to call up for some artificial affection. Buttie: Butt-buddy ... a buddy of the booty. A mate in which you mate with. Usually summoned by a booty call, a buttie is typically someone you have a sexual past with whom you recycle, or someone you are sexually but not emotionally attracted to.

BUT ... I don't have one of those. For starters, my guy friends respect me too much to let me seduce them just because I'm tired of my B.O.B (Battery Operated Boyfriend). I only have one ex that lives within a 30-mile radius, and well, let's just say B.O.B. is more stimulating. And I don't want to lead on or use any of the guys who like me. So, I go to bed alone, spooning my pillow.

Being a lady, I don't crave sex like I do chocolate, but rather the affection and attention that comes with it ... and a buttie provides that without manifesting a moral hangover.

Now I get why there are so many ads for chat lines in the back of this paper. There are a lot of drunk-desperate-dialers out there. And if I don't start dating again soon (gasp), I might become one of them. 1-800-Buttie.

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