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Just bear with me 

Gay hunter tries to calm upset boyfriend

Could you tell my boy to calm the heck down? Can't seem to get him to get the difference between bestiality, necrophilia and screwin' a bearskin rug. Emphasizing my usual sexual interests — which involve rope bondage, floggin' and an e-stim unit — hasn't worked. Logic isn't helpin' out at all. Maybe you can help?

I'm a gay man and a hunter; he's a gay boy and a vegan. But he likes how I look in my camo, holding a rifle, so it works. Last fall, I went to Idaho and shot a black bear and a 13-point buck. A taxidermist mounted the buck's head, which hangs above my bed, and made the bear into a rug. Most people don't know this, but the head on a bearskin rug is entirely fake except for the fur. The skull, teeth and tongue are plastic, and the eyes are glass. That bear's hardly a bear, if you catch me.

So we got the rug, and he liked it. Even wanted me to screw him spread-eagle on that rug — until he walked in while I was doing it with the bear. I rigged up the mouth with one of those Fleshlight things, pretty much as a joke, but my boy freaked out when he saw the bear giving me a blowjob of sorts. Called me sick and disgusting, and ever since then, he won't let me tie him up or beat him or anything. He says he's afraid I will kill him and then screw him. I keep telling him it was all just a game, but he won't believe it. What can I do?

Bear Grinned Anyway

What can you do? You mean besides send a video of you and your bear in action to prove this isn't the most entertaining fake letter I've received since Michelle Obama invited me to dinner at Sarah Jessica Parker's apartment? What can you do besides that?

You can draw a distinction between what was going on in that bear's mouth when your boyfriend walked in and what was going on in your head. When a man beats off — with or without a Fleshlight-enhanced bearskin rug — two things are kinda sorta happening simultaneously: what the man is doing with his dick and what the man is imagining he's doing with his dick. Guys who beat off using a clenched fist, for example, generally aren't clenched-fist fetishists; they're just horny and their fists are there and, say, Sarah Jessica Parker isn't. Fists provide necessary friction; imaginations provide sexy scenarios.

So your boyfriend walked in and saw you fucking the face of a dead bear. That's gonna look bad, BGA, even to a boyfriend who isn't vegan. So how do you fix it? By patiently explaining to your vegan boyfriend that while, yes, you were face-fucking a bear when he walked in on you — there's no denying that — you weren't thinking about face-fucking a bear. Tell him you were thinking about him, and the bear's mouth was just a convenient place to wedge your vegan-boyfriend-substitute, i.e., your Fleshlight. Tell your boyfriend you don't entertain any murderous fantasies, tell him you only long to fuck living things, and tell him that Homo sapiens are the only animals you find attractive.

Tell him all of that, BGA, even if not all of that is entirely true.

I had to write after reading your response to Wanted Toys Too, the aunt who wanted to buy her niece a dildo ("Beats a Plastic Banana," Sept. 20). I was once a teenage girl whose older cousin tried to "help me out" this way, and I was mortified. WTT wants to get her niece a sex toy, she said, because WTT experimented with a plastic banana when she was a girl because she didn't want "a penis to be the first thing of substance put in [her] vagina." Guess what? That is exactly what I wanted, so I had no need for a dildo, and I had access to plenty of good sex advice! Advice that I asked for! This aunt is projecting her crap on her niece! She should back off and mind her own business.

MYOB About Sex

You goofed in your reply to WTT. Instead of getting information from sex-shop owners, why didn't you get information from a mental health expert? We're talking about a 14-year-old who is emotionally fragile as she struggles through the years of defining self and understanding her own sexuality! Here's what you should've told WTT: "Back off. See a therapist. Get a boyfriend. Get a hobby. MYOB, Auntie."

EE, LMSW

In fairness to WTT, she had her niece's mother's permission to get her daughter a sex toy. My mother encouraged her kids to talk with one of her sisters about any sexual issues we weren't comfortable discussing with our parents, so ... it's possible that WTT's niece has expressed an interest in a sex toy of her very own. It's also possible that (1) WTT's niece hasn't expressed an interest in a sex toy and would be mortified by the offer, and (2) my response to WTT was colored by my own relationship with my sex-question-answering aunt. With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, to say nothing of a file full of angry e-mails, I'll amend my advice to WTT with this: If your niece hasn't asked for help, info or a sex toy, better to MYOB.

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