I am a bi man married to a straight woman for 10 years. We are in a wonderful GGG relationship. On a pretty regular basis, we invite others into the bedroom for fun. We have one friend who we do this with weekly. Because he is here so often, a bit of his clothing and a few other essentials are stored in our guest room. We are careful to hide our monogamish lifestyle from those who might unfairly judge us, but we figured a few pieces of clothing and a friend who "crashes" with us on the weekends wouldn't raise too many eyebrows, right? Wrong. My snooping mother-in-law found a drawer with boxers that were obviously not my size, lube, and a butt plug. Apparently that jazzed her up, and she continued to snoop so that she could "find evidence if I was cheating." She found gay pornography in our bedroom and a few ambiguous text messages. She had no reason to look in any drawers — or phones! — and I'm infuriated at the invasion of our privacy. Now she thinks her daughter is married to a closeted gay man. I want to tell her the truth, but my wife does not. MIL is religious/conservative, and she may disown my wife if she finds out our marriage is often a threesome. What's the right thing to do here?
Not In The Closet
You should tell your MIL to shove her fucking money — the inheritance your wife might lose if her mother were to disown her — up her religious/conservative ass. (I can only assume the stress about being disowned involves an inheritance, aka big money; otherwise, there is no downside to being disowned by this bitch.) But if your wife places a higher value on her mom's money than she does on her own independence and your shared right to marital privacy, NITC, then she should tell her mother that the plug and the gay porn are hers. (Shrug off the ambiguous text messages.) Lots of straight married women with 100 percent straight husbands enjoy gay porn. (Most slash fiction is written by and for straight women — why not send MIL some links?) I guess it boils down to which will be the greater torment for your MIL (and therefore likelier grounds for disinheritance): the whole truth (her daughter and bisexual SIL are sinful, nonmonogamous pervs) or the face-saving lie (her daughter being a bit of a perv).
I'm a married straight man. My wife and I have been married for five years. I thought my wife was GGG and open to new things, so six months ago I brought up my desire to wear lingerie — she did not react well. We struggled a bit but gradually got back to normal, with me just not mentioning it again. My birthday is soon, so I proposed a weekend of indulgence of my fetish as a birthday present. I thought that would be easy enough to accommodate. I was wrong and got totally and uncomfortably denied. I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want to destroy a marriage over a small sexual interest, but I don't want to be locked into vanilla sex forever. Any advice on getting her to come around?
PARTNER AGAINST NIGHTIES THAT INTRIGUE EAGER SPOUSE
Someone can be "open to new things" without being "open to everything." So your wife might be up for exploring other sexual kinks, positions and circumstances — hubby-in-lingerie isn't the only form of non-vanilla sex out there — but seeing you in panties could be a "libido killer," a term coined by Emily "Dear Prudence" Yoffe. If that's the case, PANTIES, she may never come around. But if it's not a libido killer, if it's just something she hasn't had time to wrap her head around, your best course of action is to drop the subject for now. Let the wife see that your interest isn't all-consuming and you still enjoy vanilla sex in gender-conforming underpants, and indulging this particular kink may come to seem less threatening.
Recently on the Lovecast: Dan talks bondage with kinkster trailblazer Midori; hear how rich girls slut-shame poor girls on college campuses; pervy cousins; sleeping with the cab driver; and sex at Burning Man. All at savagelovecast.com.
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