I am an 18-year-old pansexual girl. I'm currently in a relationship with a guy. He is a bit younger, though mature for his age. We get along great, our friends like us together, yada yada yada. He wants to do the waiting until marriage thing for sex. I'm cool with that, less pressure in the relationship. He wants to do this for religious reasons, which I mostly agree with. We met in youth group, after all. Here is the real kink. I lost the big V about a year ago. He knows about that, isn't happy about it ('cause he hasn't), but is willing to date me anyway.
What hasn't really come up is the subject of porn and masturbation. Back to the religious reasons: He doesn't do either (or won't fess up to them) and doesn't approve. I, however, do both. Especially since my breakup (and thus no more sex) last year, I've come to rely on masturbating to take care of my sexual needs. The porn I am willing to forgo, but I don't want to give up pleasuring myself. This guy knows nothing. He has talked about how we ought to "keep ourselves pure." (My thoughts on purity: I've already screwed that up!) Is there any good way to communicate to him that I'm not going to give up masturbating without him going crazy? It took long enough just to show him I wasn't the spawn of Satan because I like girls as much as I like guys. Should I just go along with his standards and try giving up masturbation? Or should I not tell him anything about what I do in the privacy of my own bedroom?
Mismatched On Sex
The best way to communicate to this boy that you aren't gonna give up masturbation is to break the fuck up with him, MOS. Your boyfriend is essentially forcing you to pick between him or masturbation, and the choice is obvious: Masturbation is a pleasurable friend that doesn't judge you or shame you, and your boyfriend is an unpleasant, sex-negative, controlling, judgmental scold.
Then after you've enjoyed a few dozen celebratory guilt-free orgasms, MOS, ask yourself why you wasted even two minutes of your precious pansexual time on a guy like him, i.e., someone with whom you're clearly not sexually compatible. You're pansexual! Somewhat sexually experienced! You masturbate! You enjoy porn! I could understand you dating a guy who was a virgin and wanted to remain sexually inactive for now — for religious reasons or otherwise — but dating someone you had to talk out of seeing you as the spawn of Satan? Dating someone you have to lie to about something as common and healthy as masturbation? Not worth it, MOS, not in the short run, not in the long run. You want to be with someone who likes you and wants to be with you, and this boy doesn't like you. Why on earth do you like him?
Finally: I hope that parenthetical in your second paragraph was meant sarcastically. But just in case: Being sexually active does not make you "impure." I think you know that, MOS, but I want you to get out of this relationship while you still believe it.
I'm a 24-year-old woman who just ended a five-year relationship. It sucked. I cried. It was my first breakup, so I've felt totally insane for the last three months. Now I'm in the dating world, and I go out with people only to find that we have no physical chemistry. My mother says, "You're just picky." How am I supposed to enter my slutty years if I rarely have a physical connection with someone? I'm starting to think I'm broken; the last few years, I've felt pretty cut off from my sexuality. I feel like I formed some sort of sexual block. Is there a pill for this? How do I break the dam?
Bring Lass Overtly Clearer Knowledge
Here's how you break the dam: You get high, you consume porn (text or vid), and you read Daniel Bergner's book What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire. ("It should be read by every woman on earth," Tracy Clark-Flory of Salon writes. "You want a female Viagra? This book is as close as we have to it.") Don't do all three at once, of course, lest you grind the gears off your sex gaskets. But do all three, over a long weekend, and try to relax and listen to your body and allow your erotic imagination to speak to you.
And give yourself a break, BLOCK. Some folks need more than three months to bounce back after ending a five-year relationship. Don't force yourself to date right now if you're not ready. Get high instead, read Bergner and take in some erotica. And when you are ready to enter your slutty phase, BLOCK, hang on to your pickiness. In my experience — ahem — picky people are likelier to enjoy their slutty phases and likelier to survive them.
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I ask myself two questions: 1. Am I present here and now, with this person…
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