Follow us
Mobile
Pin It

Sex for the ex 

She's giving it away, he's getting away with it

I'm a 26-year-old queer woman. I'm about to visit a friend who used to be my boyfriend and who has been my lover when we've visited each other since. Sex with him is fun for me, but it's been life-changing for him. I'm the first person he has ever shared his kinks with: age regression/diapers/submission. He's been ashamed of his kinks for most of his life, and I've been completely accepting and have helped him to get over his sense of shame. Playing this role in my friend's life is fun, sexy, and meaningful for me. My own tastes, though, are more vanilla. Some of the things that would be most satisfying to me — cunnilingus, him being a little dominant sometimes, and, honestly, French kissing — have been absent from our sex. He says that he wants to do for me whatever I want, and I've told him what I want as clearly as I just told you. But he seems to have some kind of a block about actually doing those things. I've tried to be very positive about oral sex and not put pressure on my friend, but rather let him know how hot it is for me and how fantastic it makes me feel. But so far, he just won't do it. I've also let him know that I really enjoy kissing with tongue and that it's pretty much the most arousing thing for me in the world. But he's done very little of that, too. He's aware of the inequality in what we've done for each other and acknowledges that it's unfair that he's "gotten away with it." Help!

She Misses Tongue

While I was on vacation last week, sex writer, activist, and feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino filled in for me. Writing the Savage Love Letter of the Day in my absence, Tristan gave some advice to a woman in a similar situation (kinky partner being treated to first fantasy-fulfillment experiences neglecting needs of indulgent vanilla partner): "Your boyfriend has finally been able to reveal his desires and fantasies to you," Tristan wrote. "That's a big deal, and when it happens, many people can go through a phase of being selfish and self-centered."

I agree with Tristan, but I would go a bit further: Your friend — your selfish, thoughtless friend — is taking advantage of you, SMT, and as he knows you well enough to sense that meeting his needs is "fun, sexy, and meaningful" for you, he figures he can keep getting away with it.

Right now, your relationship isn't characterized by a healthy give-and-take of pleasure. You're servicing your ex — or, to put it more charitably, you're doing your ex a favor. The question for you, SMT, is how long you intend to go on doing him this particular favor. If the pleasure you're taking in helping him realize his fantasies is enough, then perhaps you should keep doing him favors. But would you be writing to me about this situation if it were enough?

Early in August, a gentleman who signed himself WHACK wrote to you inquiring whether he should clear his browser history to keep his porn viewing from becoming known to his anti-porn wife, as the wife had noticed an empty browser history and gotten suspicious ("History Lesson," Aug. 9). Browser clearing is an option, of course, but most browsers also have an option that allows users to browse anonymously, Dan, without retaining any history, cookies, passwords, etc. Google Chrome calls it "Incognito," Safari and Firefox call it "Private Browsing," Internet Explorer calls it "InPrivate Browsing." Turn it on before entering NSFW sites and turn if off after leaving such sites and you can build up an innocent-looking browser history without anyone seeing anything that might displease them.

Fanatic About Privacy

Thank you, FAP, for writing in — and thanks to the millions of other harried husbands who wrote in to share the good news about private browsing features with WHACK.

To those who accused me of sex-advice malpractice for failing to mention private browsing features in my response to WHACK: I didn't know they existed, and for that I blame my husband. If my spouse were a smut-shaming scold who hated porn — if he were more like WHACK's spouse — I would've discovered the private browsing features years ago.

I was watching a porno featuring a hot gay threesome. Two tops double-penetrated a bottom. The odd part: The tops shared a single condom! I'm wondering how safe this might be. It certainly doesn't seem safe.

Dubious In Phoenix

It was safe for the bottom — provided that overtaxed condom didn't burst (here's hoping they were using a more spacious, more durable female condom) — but it wasn't safe for the tops. Jamming two dicks into a single condom could result in dick-to-dick transmission of a number of sexually transmitted infections — herpes, HPV, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, etc.

  • Pin It

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Creative Loafing encourages a healthy discussion on its website from all sides of the conversation, but we reserve the right to delete any comments that detract from that. Violence, racism and personal attacks that go beyond the pale will not be tolerated.

Latest in Savage Love

More by Dan Savage

Search Events

Recent Comments

www.flickr.com
items in Creative Loafing Charlotte More in Creative Loafing Charlotte pool

© 2014 SouthComm, Inc.
Powered by Foundation