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She's just not that into you 

Guy needs to dump closet-case girlfriend

I love my girlfriend, but here's the thing: She might be a lesbian. I base that opinion on the fact that she's dated women in the past, she hits on women when she's drunk, and she has made out with at least two of her female friends in the last year. She says this is normal for girls. Most troubling is that our sex life has dried up. Despite having many honest conversations, she just won't/can't be sexual with me. I know what you're going to say: Be honest and tell her what my needs are, and if she can't meet them, ask for an open relationship. But that conversation is harder to have than I think you realize, Dan. Although it's hard to see her hit on women/make out with her girlfriends when we aren't being sexual, I can live with it because I love her more than I can say. My questions: (1) Is it unfair of me to ask her to define her sexuality? (2) Am I overthinking this? (3) Are the behaviors I've described normal?

Helping Evaluate Lesbian Preference

1. You know what's unfair? Hitting on other people — men, women, whatever — in front of the boyfriend/girlfriend/whateverfriend you can't bring yourself to fuck. Your girlfriend is being unfair to you, HELP, and you have to stop making rationalizations for her shitty, inconsiderate and cruel behavior. Your girlfriend could be a lesbian, she could be bi, or she could be the kind of straight woman who has relationships with other women, hits on other women when she's drunk, and makes out with other women biannually — that kind of straight woman is called a "closeted lesbian" — but getting her to precisely define her sexuality isn't going to change this simple fact: She has no interest in fucking you. Not into men, not into you — what difference does it make? That rumbling sound you heard a moment ago, HELP, was millions of Savage Love readers mumbling "DTMFA" under their breath as they read your letter. Take their advice.

2. Yes, HELP, you are overthinking this. You've spent way too much time thinking about how you could make this relationship work — and what you might be doing wrong — when what you should be thinking about is how to extricate yourself from this doomed relationship.

3. Are we talking about her behavior or yours? If we're talking about her behavior, HELP, it is normal — for scared and closeted lesbians with security-blanket boyfriends they can't let go of. If we're talking about your behavior, it isn't normal — because very few people would swallow the shit she's been feeding you. DTMFA.

I'm a married straight man. My wife and I have been married for five years. I thought my wife was GGG and open to new things, so six months ago I brought up my desire to wear lingerie — she did not react well. We struggled a bit but gradually got back to normal, with me just not mentioning it again. My birthday is soon, so I proposed a weekend of indulgence of my fetish as a birthday present. I thought that would be easy enough to accommodate. I was wrong and got totally and uncomfortably denied. I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want to destroy a marriage over a small sexual interest, but I don't want to be locked into vanilla sex forever. Any advice on getting her to come around?

Partner Against Nighties That Intrigue Eager Spouse

Someone can be "open to new things" without being "open to everything." So your wife might be up for exploring other sexual kinks, positions and circumstances — hubby-in-lingerie isn't the only form of non-vanilla sex out there — but seeing you in panties could be a "libido killer," a term coined by Emily "Dear Prudence" Yoffe. If that's the case, PANTIES, she may never come around. But if it's not a libido killer, if it's just something she hasn't had time to wrap her head around, your best course of action is to drop the subject for now. Let the wife see that your interest isn't all-consuming and you still enjoy vanilla sex in gender-conforming underpants, and indulging this particular kink may come to seem less threatening.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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