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Sickly advice 

Doling out Vicodin-infused wisdom

DEAR READERS: I'm writing this week's column in a drug-induced coma. Well, not quite a coma, but close. I was fighting a cold for two weeks, and the cold won: It morphed into an insanely painful sinus infection — you know it's bad when your doctor urges you to err on the side of too much Vicodin, not too little.

So a warning to everyone whose letter appears in this week's column: My reliably sucky advice is probably going to be suckier than usual.

I'm a man who just got out of a two-year relationship with a great girl. She was always a little controlling, and I felt like I had to tiptoe around her all the time, so I'm glad to be out of the relationship. But I was still providing her with a lot of emotional support. This was fine until she started bothering me for advice on what to do about her rebound relationship. This seemed beyond the call of duty, and I suggested to her that we needed to reevaluate our boundaries. She flipped out and has threatened to force all our mutual friends to pick her over me. I'm also worried that she will tell everyone we know about my pegging kink. I'm comfortable with that aspect of myself, but other people don't need to know.

Do I stick up for kinks or deny it and blame a vengeful ex?

Kink-outing Is Not Kind

Denying it won't work if your vengeful ex has photos or video that she's willing to deploy. So if there's documentary evidence, KINK, prepare yourself to own your kink and laugh it off. Assholes and vengeful exes can only use the details of your turn-ons against you if you're ashamed of them.

If you don't care who knows, KINK, or you can fake it, the people who know won't care that they know, you know? Shrug off the reveal, laugh along with any good-natured ribbing, and look on the bright side: You could have mutual female friends who are interested in pegging and, after they hear the news, interested in you.

I know you were raised Catholic but are now an atheist. I'm curious if you might still believe in God if you took the time to expose yourself to other faith traditions that are more accepting of gay people.

Have you looked at Buddhism or Hinduism? There is a great deal of evidence for reincarnation, and what better way to say "it gets better" than by saying you get to do it again and again until you get it right?

Born Again And Again

The Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality gave me a big sad when I was an adolescent, it's true, but I didn't come to the conclusion that there is no God based solely on that big sad. My sexuality prompted me to question not just the faith in which I was raised, BAAA, but all faiths. And none, in my semi-informed opinion, stood up to scrutiny. I simply don't know how any reasonable person can look at all world religions, living and dead, and come to the conclusion that one particular tribe or prophet or science-fiction writer got it right and every other tribe, prophet, and science-fiction writer got it wrong.

But if I was gonna pick a faith based on gayness alone, I would go with Antinous. He was the big gay lover of the big gay second-century Roman emperor Hadrian, the dude who built the wall that kept Mary Queen of Scots from sneaking into Roman Britain and stealing the scones of stones or something. Hadrian, a bearish guy in his 40s, was hopelessly in love with Antinous, a Bithynian teenager. Hadrian's Bithynian, like the NWATB's Dominican, must have given amazing head because after Antinous died — he drowned while swimming in the Nile — Hadrian had him declared a god. Take it away, Wikipedia:

"The grief of the emperor knew no bounds, causing the most extravagant veneration to be paid to Antinous' memory. Cities were founded in his name, medals struck with his likeness, and cities throughout the east commissioned godlike images of the dead youth for their shrines and sanctuaries ... As a result, Antinous is one of the best-preserved faces from the ancient world."

My husband Terry looks like Antinous — it's true — so, yeah, I'd hit and/or worship that.

As for reincarnation, well, have you seen Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? I wouldn't mind coming back as that magical pair of pants — only, instead of being passed between best friends Lena, Tibby, Bridget and Carmen, I'd like to be passed between Broadway stars Cheyenne, Andrew, Nick and Kyle. And instead of being a pair of magical blue jeans, I'd like to be a magical dance belt. If there's a religion that could make that happen for me, BAAA, sign my ass up.

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