I'm a straight male in a committed live-in relationship. My girlfriend and I have sex once a week, usually on Saturday mornings. During the week, she is either too tired or too full after dinner. She often says she wants to have sex, but come 9:30 p.m., she's ready to get in bed and watch TV until she falls asleep. She asks me on a daily basis if I've masturbated in her absence. If I say no, she accuses me of lying. She has demanded to smell my hands to see if she can smell lube on them. I resent feeling interrogated and guilt-tripped over this. When I do masturbate, I always clean up after myself and I'm doing it before she gets home or after she's gone to bed. So, again, why the guilt?
Browbeating Okay, Meat Beating Another Story Totally
I don't know who's crazier, your controlling, psychotic, hand-sniffing girlfriend, BOMBAST, or you, for sticking around and putting up with this bullshit. There's nothing wrong with having a low libido; it's not a crime to want sex only once a week. But terrorizing a higher-libido partner about whether or not he is making ends meet by masturbating now and then — and demanding to smell his hands! — is borderline abusive behavior. DTMFA, BOMBAST, and be so kind as to pass this bit of advice on to your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend: If you want a companion animal you can castrate, lady, get a dog. Not a boyfriend, not a husband. A dog.
Is it better to stay with your overweight wife — who happens to be the mother of your infant daughter — and cheat on her to get sexual gratification (and be a shit of a husband) or leave her (and be a shit of a father)?
Almost Twice The Wife
Cheating shit or leaving shit — are those your only options?
If they are, ATTW, then stay and cheat. Abandoning an infant — to say nothing of abandoning someone with an infant — is a shit move. So is cheating on the mother of your infant daughter, of course, but it's slightly less shitty.
Here's another option: You could go without for six months or a year — you know, like most new parents.
Backing way up: You were presumably attracted to your wife before the baby ... otherwise there would be no baby, right? And presumably, the mother of your infant daughter is going without right now, too, as she's probably too exhausted to bother with sex. Because she just had a baby. She also may not be feeling it for her asshole husband, a man who she senses doesn't find her attractive in her current state — a state he helped put her in.
Take a little responsibility here, ATTW: You knocked the wife up knowing that pregnancy and its tragic aftermath, aka "parenting," leave new moms with very little time for the gym. If you expected your wife to bounce back to her pre-baby weight in 10 weeks, like some sort of celebrity mom, then you needed to get her two nannies, a personal trainer, and a full-time nutritionist.
Perhaps I'm being too hard on you, ATTW. Your letter — reproduced here in its entirety — is all I had to go on. For all I know, your wife is one of those lousy spouses who abandon routine physical maintenance once the first kid arrives, because, hey, now you're stuck! Forgoing routine physical maintenance is the mother of all take-you-for-granted moves, one that quickly kills desire and slowly smothers love, and it can constitute grounds for cheating and/or leaving. (Normal and natural aging, health issues that make routine maintenance impossible, etc. do not by themselves constitute grounds for cheating and/or leaving.) But it's too soon to know if your wife is one of those lousy take-you-for-granted spouses, ATTW, as your daughter is still an infant.
Masturbate, help out, make sure your wife has the free time she needs to take care of herself, and you may find that you don't have to be any sort of shit.
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I didn't cheat and I was cheated on. I didn't lie and I was lied…
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