I'm a 34-year-old straight female. I am morbidly obese and have been for most of my life. I've been on a couple of dates, and only when I asked the guy out. From reading your columns, I am aware that some men are attracted to fat women. But I don't know how to deal with men in a sexual way or in a way that would develop into a relationship. I also think my (lack of) experience has caused me to become bitter toward men. How do I stop being bitter and learn how to develop a romantic relationship?
Fat And Bitter
Romantic and/or sexual relationships are something you learn by doing, FAB, so you'll have to start doing them — you'll have to start doing men — to learn how they're done. There are men out there who are into BBW, aka big beautiful women, but folks on Twitter recommended staying away from BBW-focused websites (which tend to be overrun by fetishists) and go with mainstream sites like OKCupid instead.
But maybe dating sites aren't the place to start.
"More important than worrying about finding people to date who love your size is making sure YOU love your size," says Jolene Parton, a fat dancer, sex worker and activist. "Self-love can be the hardest thing in the world for a fat woman, but it's the best way to inspire others to love you and your body, FAB. Getting plugged into a fat-positive community might help you find friends and lovers who love the whole you. NAAFA.org and Nolose.org are both great places to start."
So let's say you've learned to love your body and you're ready to date. What to do about the bitterness? Let it go. Resolve not to punish a man who expresses an interest in you now for failing to kick down your door a decade ago. And, yes, men suck, we really do. But you know what? Women can be sucky and shallow and judge people on appearances alone, too. (Ask any short guy.) But it might help you keep things in perspective — and let go of the bitterness — if you bear this in mind: We all have to make ourselves vulnerable to people we're attracted to, and sometimes those people respond by shitting all over us. Straight women shit on straight men, straight men shit on straight women, gay men shit on each other, lesbians shit on each other, bisexuals shit on everybody. All of us have had our hearts broken or, even worse, ignored, and every last one of us has cause to walk around feeling bitter about men, women or both. Most people let it go, and you can, too.
One other bit of advice: Be open about being inexperienced. That will attract some guys and scare some others off. Good riddance to the ones it scares off, but don't assume that guys who are interested are necessarily nice guys. Some will be, of course, but some might be manipulators who want to take advantage of your inexperience or your perceived desperation. To help you sort the good ones from the bad ones, convene a small panel of friends to serve as your bullshit detectors. Your own bullshit detectors aren't gonna be good — they also don't develop until you start dating — so ask your panel to point out any red flags that you've missed. Good luck!
My boyfriend and I have been having lots of problems. I am way too critical, and he has "erectile dysfunction," aka issues getting and staying hard. But I recently discovered that he can get hard in an instant by licking my feet or using them to masturbate! This is great! He is finally opening up sexually! I want to explore this with him and let him know that his sexuality is a beautiful thing. But I can't find enough information on the Internet on how to support him. Any advice?
Truly Over Erotic Slump
Your boyfriend doesn't have "erectile dysfunction," TOES, and never did. Your BF, like millions of other men who are presumed to have ED, simply wasn't doing the things that turn him on. Now that he is — now that your feet are in play — he doesn't have any issues getting and staying hard. And you don't need anything off the Internet, TOES. You already have everything you need to support your boyfriend: the shit in your shoes (those lovely feet of yours) and the shit between your ears (your supportive, sex-positive attitude about his kinks). Have fun.
I recently ended things with a guy I liked because he wanted to stop using condoms, but he balked when I said we should both get tested for sexually transmitted infections. He said he felt I didn't trust him. I tried to explain that trust has nothing to do with it, and that if he didn't care whether I felt safe, I shouldn't trust him. That was the end of it. I'm not seeing this guy anymore. But what do you say to someone who conflates a request for STI testing with a lack of trust?
Seeking Truthful Insight