The other night, a group of girls just came out and asked me, "Did you get a boob job?" So I told them the truth. "No, I just gained weight."
Because that's what people do over the holidays. We're mammals — it's like insulating ourselves for the cold weather. Eastern chipmunks and black bears, for example, eat as much as possible during the fall so they have enough fat to get them through the winter.
And although it would be nice to be able to just go into hibernation for a little while, why would we want to sleep through the holiday season? There are tailgates for bowl games with many a bowl of food, multiple Thanksgiving dinners with all our different families and catered holiday parties from Turkey Trot to Second String Santa. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to get to the point of unhealthy ... but I'm also not going to deprive myself of the wonderful casseroles and baked goods my Susie-homemaking friends and relatives worked so hard to make ... me fatter.
Meanwhile, my girls gave me recipes for meatballs, spinach balls, Matzah balls, cheese balls, fruit balls ... an assortment of balls to share with those men who don't have any.
The holiday diet is the anti-diet, but the main source of weight gain actually comes from the cocktail calories. Some mixed drinks even contain more calories than a Big Mac, and you drink far more than you can scarf chewable calories because you get drunk, as opposed to full.
My personal trainer, Antoinette Lewis-King, who went from First Ward Recreation Center to the Ballantyne Resort, told me that in order to lose weight the first order of business is to cut out alcohol, bread and cheese at night.
So, you're telling me the Fuel pizza I had at 3 a.m. after bingeing on beer was probably not a good idea? But when the hell else are we supposed to drink alcohol if not at night? Luckily, she provided exercise homework for the holiday lushes — wine requires an additional 15 minutes of cardio per glass, beer an extra 15 minutes per bottle and mixed drinks necessitate a whopping extra 30 minutes of cardio per glass.
So, it looks like wine is the best beverage option while you're eating yourself into a coma.
Pinot Noir is considered one of, if not, the healthiest red wines to drink, while vodka is the leanest liquor. You can get a vodka-water and mix in a Crystal Light packet for sugar-free flavor, use Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka mixed with water or order cherry-flavored vodka with Diet Coke. And then there are the diet beers, Bud Select and the new 64-calorie Miller Genuine Draft.
So, I'll see you at the gym in January, but until then, enjoy the eggnog, champagne and your holiday. Cheers!