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When is it too soon to contact a crazy ex? 

Plus, info on mummification

Over a year ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I let the whole thing drag out way too long and made a lot of bad choices, and hurt her a lot more than I needed to. Three months after it was over, I broke contact with her. Six weeks later, she started calling me, but I didn't respond. One night around then, I was in my basement bedroom at about midnight. She started calling me and I ignored the calls. Then I heard a knock on my window. I came outside, and she was next to my bedroom window. She came at me and started screaming. I could smell alcohol on her, and she started choking me. She spent that night in jail, having been dragged off my front porch by two policemen, but not before kicking in a window. The last communication I had with her was an e-mail in which I told her not to contact me again or I would put a restraining order on her. It's been about a year now, and I find myself wanting to contact her again, to say something like "I'm sorry that I hurt you." I want to know if she's OK, if she's on a good path, etc., but I don't want to be her friend, or even see her in person ever again. When is it too soon to contact a crazy ex?

Wanting Après-Resolution

Never, WAR. Never is too soon to contact a truly crazy ex.

If you're concerned about how she's doing, ask a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend or lurk on her Facebook page like everybody else. But if what you're after is some sort of absolution for the excessive hurt your "bad choices" caused her — choices you didn't elaborate on in your rush to get to her faults — then you're not really motivated by any genuine concern for her well-being, WAR, just by a selfish desire to ease your guilty conscience. Either way, no good will come of contacting her. Let it go.

I'm a 26-year-old girl from Austria currently seeing a guy who likes to tie me up and gag me. It is just cuffs and ball gags so far, and I am enjoying it!

Recently, he sent this text message: "mummification sounds fun." In his case, "sounds fun" means "I wish to try it." I looked it up online. Holy! I was scared after watching this video of a guy wrapping a woman first in cling film and then in duct tape! Face and everything! It seemed like out of a horror movie! I texted him back: "I realize this could be a lot of fun for you, but I don't think I can do that." He's never mentioned it again.

I feel awful for denying him. I tell myself it's about trusting the other person — yes, we have safe words! — but I just can't shake off the feeling of creepiness! Is there anything I can do to get over being terrified? Was it fair to say, "Not gonna happen"?

Because I Am Scared

"BIAS should know that it was absolutely OK for her to say, 'Not gonna happen,'" says Tynan Fox, kinkster, activist and blogger (www.tynanfox.com). Fox, just 27, has been into mummification for more than a decade — he's been on both sides of the duct tape — but says he can appreciate why even some bondage fans aren't into it.

"Many people are claustrophobic," says Fox, "and they can't stomach the idea of being wrapped up, and who can blame them? Mummification is extreme play. But her boyfriend is being completely appropriate — she said she wasn't interested, he hasn't mentioned it again — and they should both be commended for their open and honest communication."

The only way to get over your feelings of terror, if you want to explore this, is to try it while taking things very, very slowly.

"She doesn't have to go directly to the full-out body-and-head-covering Saran Wrap/duct tape combo," says Fox. "Pace yourselves! Begin with Saran Wrap only, just from the shoulders to the ankles. If she freaks, the boyfriend cuts her loose and it's over. If the scene goes well, they can add a little more next time. Eventually, she may find the restriction and sensory deprivation provides a heightened sense of sexual awareness and makes her extremely horny."

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