Considering my life is like one long Saturday Night Live skit, I figured I would at least make a profit from it. I'm currently in Chicago performing at The Second City. And while I am here fantasizing about being Tina Fey's protege and playing improv games, I find myself playing a different game while out in Chicago's "Viagra Triangle," a sector of nightlife coined for its old money and old men. The new game we invented: "Dad or Date?"
How do you play? Simple. You observe all the silver-haired men fine dining and wining hot young girls, and then try to determine the dynamic of the relationship. Are they having a father-daughter dinner, or is he just trying to be her big daddy. Father's Day was a few weeks ago ... just saying.
But while these young ladies are someone's daughter, when they're calling these male cougars "daddy" or "pappi," it's probably not in the same context.
If only these men would put a little less energy into dating girls their daughters' age, and more into being better fathers, then there would far fewer women with daddy complexes, dating men 20 years their senior, to substitute for the lack of a father figure in their life.
Speaking of dads, another edition of Sh!t My Dad Says, in honor of Father's Day: "As hard as you've tried, you can't ride two horses with one ass Brittney. That's what I want for Father's Day: You to sit your ass down."
Guys, just to clarify, if you're out walking a dog and you hear a girl go, "Hey cutie!" or "Look how cute you are," chances are, she's talking to the dog, not you. Even if you're cute too ... and that it's abnormal that we baby talk to random animals.
As cute and cuddly as dogs are they make for great snugglers that don't talk back they are not fishing lures for women.
When I was a freshman at Virginia Tech, this guy would always bring a little puppy through the girls hall in the dorms so it would run into their rooms. This was a technique for kidnapping women's attention. Again, we like the dog, not you. And we feel bad for it a dog is not a prop.
Actually, men are more like cats and women are like dogs, if you think about it. To be continued.
My favorite author, Alexandra Robbins' new book The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth got me thinking.
I was that girl in high school, the freshman sitting with the seniors, the homecoming and prom court popular cheerleader. I was famous in a small town for acting.
You see, I was never really the cool girl I pretended to be. I have spent my whole life a closet geek, trapped in the class clown/cheerleader body.
I would win an award for some state academic competition, then maintain my cool, non-geek status by cutting the power in the cafeteria and starting a food fight. I spent so much of my energy masking my geeky tendencies trying to stay popular, I lost sight of what really made me cool ... being myself.
Put a geek in a cheerleading uniform and she's just a geek in a short skirt. Well, Im tired of hiding. I am letting my geek flag fly.
For starters, I have an electronic dictionary-thesarus on my nightstand to define any words I come across in my books that I dont know. I. Am. A. Geek. There, I am out of the closet.
Alexandra Robbin's "Quirk Theory" mentioned with the book The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth states that many of the differences that cause a student to be excluded in school are the same traits or real-world skills that others will value, love, respect, or find compelling about that person in adult-hood.
Had I embraced my true quirky, nonconformist self in high school, rather than changing who I was to appeal to others and confirm to society's standards, I'd be a lot more successful and happier now. And bad habits die hard because I still find myself doing that shit.
But why was I really popular?
It wasn't because I was "cool" it was because I was nice to everyone. I fit in with every clique. I didn't have to change myself to do that either. I just accepted everyone for who they were. The "in crowd," the art freaks, the skaters, the thugs, and especially the geeks. In fact, I even had a secret fetish for them, even in high school.
"Timmy" (name changed to protect the innocent) was hands down the biggest underclassman dork in school. One day he somehow managed to knock over the entire stack of returned dirty trays in the cafeteria, making a sound so loud it demanded the entire cafeteria's attention. Everyone was startled, and then when they saw him standing there covered in people's dirty food with trays spattered all about, everyone started laughing at him. I got up from the cool, senior table, and started helping him pick up the trays, and his dignity. I shot out a look that said bully him and I will bully you, and people shut up. It was at that moment that I realized the power of popularity and wondered why people don't use it for good in exchange for the special treatment. I also thought that high SAT scores and love of the arts are sexy, and found myself developing a little crush on the baby-faced, trombone-case carrying, tube sock wearing geek. So I decided to seduce him.
You've read the book or seen the movie, He's Just Not Into You (or at least heard of it). But what about the guy version? Guys deserve a translator for the foreign language that is women to them.
Just like I did the guy who thinks my Facebook is a Dear Abby website, Im going to give you guys some more clues to help you determine whether she's into you, or not so you can save your time, energy, and money.
1. If she applies no maintenance or make-up when she sees you, then shes probably not that into you. Even the biggest tomboy will take a little more time on her hair and wardrobe when she knows shes going to see a guy she likes. Sweatpants, hair tied, chillin' with no make-up on is what we do with our friends or long-term live-in boyfriends.
2. If she gets mad at you for slapping her butt, then shes probably not that into you. If she shoots down any sort of physical advances, you have been sequestered to friend zone limbo.
3. If she doesnt text you back right away, if at all, then shes probably not that into you. Girls usually have their phones attached to their hip we are aware when it vibrates, and were communicative punctual beings. If all you get are untimely, close-ended texts, youre not in the forefront of our minds, or phones.
4. If she always makes excuses as to why she cant hang out, then shes probably not that into you. I have to work." Its a girls' night. Im tired. "I have to wash my hair." If a girl wants to see you, she will find the time. And will be more willing to work around your schedule, rather than only see you when it's convenient for her and she has nothing else to do.
5. If youre not the center of her attention, then shes probably not that into you. If you're out and shes talking to Joe Schmo and Wendy Whatsherface more than you, youre just another face in the crowd. If we like you, we would go so far as to fight for your attention.
For some reason, I get a lot of e-mails asking me to hang out via Facebook from guys with profile pictures of themselves standing shirtless in a mirror with their face washed out from the reflection of their own camera flash. Which I've never understood because it's Facebook, not Match.com, and I don't have the "interested in dating" checkmark checked. But apparently I do have "Dear Abby" written across my profile because I also get a lot of e-mails from guys asking me for advice about their love life. Which leads to this week's "Blind Leading the Blind" letter.
Dude:
I'm a very sweet guy and I just took out the most beautiful woman in the world, but she doesn't wanna date me or anyone for a while. So my question is, how can I be sweet and show her what type of guy I am without pushing her away or getting stuck as just a friend?
Me:
Well why doesn't she want to date anyone? What's her EXCUSE for that?
Dude:
She says that every time she's in a relationship, she forgets who she is and I can kinda understand that. So she wants to take some time and get to know herself, and I have to respect that or I'll seem like I'm trying to rush things. I just usually always get stuck as just a friend no matter how hard I try! Thanks Ms. Cason for any help and advice
Me:
You do nothing. You save your time and escort yourself right on over to the friend zone and make yourself comfortable there, because she's not into you. Women tend to make up excuses not to hurt nice guy's feelings. My go-to excuse is, "I'm too busy" to date, but if I really wanted to date someone, I would find the time. There is nothing wrong with venturing into the friend zone as every woman wants her man to be her friend first and foremost. But if we wanted you as more (as in physically) you wouldn't have to question it. We're just as horny as you are, and we're in charge of making the executive decision as to whether you get laid or not. If this chick says she doesn't want to date anyone, that's just code for "I don't want to date you" ... so go let her date an asshole and you go find yourself a nice girl! And as soon as you do that, she'll miss the attention you've been giving her and you'll look all shiny and new to her, and perhaps a little less like a friend. Trust me. Try it out, just for fun.
In third grade, I met this girl Shannon, and we found ourselves liking the same guy, Andrew. So we went about it by drawing ugly, taunting pictures of each other and hanging them up in the hallway at school. But even at the maturity level of third graders, we decided that no guy is worth fighting with another girl over, and we have been best friends since.
Then there was this other girl who grew up down the street from me. Every time I told her I liked a guy, she decided she liked him too. She would actively pursue him, and ultimately make out with him to get him to like her instead of me.
And ever since, Ive only met girls like that throughout my life my friends like Shannon and the frenemies like the slut next door.
Because Ive learned there are two types of women in this world those who know the boundaries when it comes to other womens men, and those who cross them. Your teammates in life vs. your competitors.
So why do your friends try to keep you from winning? So they dont feel like the losers they are, thats why.
Because theyre so insecure they need to prove to themselves that they can get all the guys, including yours. By pushing you down, they feel higher up. But friendship is not a competitive sport: a true friend will celebrate your wins with you, not try to deflate you in order to inflate their ego.
Weve all found ourselves in a classic case of the fake people. But if someone stabs you in the back, well then, that means that theyre behind you.
Dont turn around, dont let them slow you down or pull you back to their level. Just shrug them off and keep it moving. I know it's hard to keep the wounds from cutting, though. A danger of being a nice person is I am often too nice to mean people those playing the role of my friend so they can steal my stage and/or my boy.
As many stab wounds as I have in my back, Ive struggled with how to remain an open-armed caring person vs. becoming a cold and cynical person skeptical of everyone. But I realized that every person who has betrayed me gave me the same feeling. And now whenever my gut is telling me not to let a person into my circle of trust, I am going to listen. And keep it moving.
There is a strict girls code. If your friend likes a guy, he is off limits. Period. End of story. Just like guys put bros before hos, why dont we put chicks before dicks?
These petty vagina wars are a field day for the guys. Do you not think they see these competitive games women play with each other? Of course they do, and they see it as an opportunity to play us and win. But did you ever stop to think that if a guy sees a girl not being loyal to a friend, hes going to rightfully assume she's not a loyal person, and just play her. Then she's stuck with no girls, or boys in her life.
In the end, those who step out of bounds always lose.
Seeing as how I'm on summer vacation, I'm going to actually not work, and by work I mean write a blog. Sorry! Technically it's a bachelorette party, but I have so many to attend each summer, I just write them off as what I get to constitute as summer vacation. It's my favorite thing about my friends getting married, as they result in vacations with the girls.
For our last bachelorette party over Memorial Day weekend, we had an ugly bridesmaid dress slash 80s prom. See:
No, I did not steal that from awkwardfamilyphotos.com that is my real awkward family photo. Because that's what those girls are, my family. And every time one of them gets married, I get another brother and the family gets bigger. I'll hand it to them they've known me my entire life, know everything about me, and still like me.
Remember when my intern signed me up for Match.com ... and then proceeded to browse online dates for me, finding me a "Situation" and a guy like Alan from Hangover. Well, payback is a bitch. Recently single, I gave Jordan a work assignment to fill out her own little dating questionnaire, just like she did for me on Match. With this one being a little less conventional.
But what she doesn't know is that I had her make it so I could post it on here and pimp her out.
Then, I'm going to make her go out with every guy who responds to this classified ad. (Except the ones that seem like they might be serial killers.)
Send all inquiries to brittney.cason@creativeloafing.com.
Now it's my turn to play matchmaker and pay her back. The favor that is *wink.*
So everybody, meet Jordan ... my single intern.
And find her dating profile below. Muahahahaha.
My good friend Shana and I were getting our nails done, gossiping about our latest dating ventures, while the nail techs gossiped in another language. Likely making fun of Shana and I we were referring to our nails as "claws," because, after all, we just might be becoming cougars.
Remember when I told you it was raining men? Well, for a couple of 30-year-olds like us, it's raining 20-somethings.
Shana was juggling two 23-year-olds, one of whom she had a Skype date with that night before we had a home-cooked dinner. After she hung up (or shut the computer screen down), she shouted to me in the kitchen. Im so torn between my two 23-year-olds!
"We must be cougars in heat 'cause it really is raining men," I replied. "Hallelujah!" I shouted like I was leading the gospel choir.
We proceeded to start dancing around the kitchen, singing, Hallelujah, it's raining men! Hallelujah, its raining men! for a good minute or so until we heard:
Shana! Shana! SHANNNNAAAAAAA!
She covered my mouth and pulled me down to duck behind the kitchen island.
Did you hear that? she asked.
Then her phone, sitting next to her computer, started ringing. She crawled across the carpet to the couch like a sniper crawling through the woods.
It was there that she noticed that her iPod cord had kept her computer from closing entirely. The lovesick puppy had heard everything. She yanked the cord out so her laptop top could shut and ducked back down behind the couch cushions.
And then her phone rang again. And again. And again.
I just looked at her. "Welp, that solves that problem"[her being torn between two 23-year-olds, that is] and maybe this is probably why were attracting 20-somethings.
I have a confession to make.
I used to cheat in high school.
I was struggling in Geometry, so I stole the answer key for the textbook quizzes, then made copies of them and sold them to my classmates. It wasn't the most ethical thing, I know, but I knew I'd never use Geometry in my real life, so I focused on my entrepreneurial skills instead.
I also cheated on my high school boyfriend.
I got an A in geometry, but I failed that test of life.
It took me as long to garner forgiveness as it did to figure out why I even did it. But I did figure out right away that I never want to betray someone ever again. I wrote my cheating off like an underage juvenile offense because everything before 18 doesnt count and gets scratched off your record, right? Except when it comes to karma. And I've accepted the karma of being cheated on in my future relationships. I threw a boomerang, and it came back around.
So why do we cheat?
If you're always wondering what's on the other side of door No. 2, then why even close the door and be in a relationship? It's not fair to lock someone in while you're off wandering through the neighbor's greener grass or Suite or Butter.
I have come to the conclusion that I cheated because I wanted to resurrect that nervous excitement you feel in the beginning of a romance, the one that has a tendency of wearing off after you get comfortable in a relationship. And rather than being honest and addressing this to my boyfriend in fear of losing his security, I went behind his back to fill the void he couldn't. I wanted to have my cake and chocolate frosting. But those weren't butterflies, I was just hungry for something more. But once that "Za-Za-Zu" wears off, which does faster than alcohol, you're stuck with the "Za-Za-Eww" a guilty conscious, bad karma, and a broken heart you're responsible for.
So before you go crawl into someone else's bed, remember that when you make that bed, you'll have to lie in it, alone.
Since when did monogamy become something you have to continually work on in a relationship to maintain it?