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Friday, May 20, 2011

Things to do before the end of the world tomorrow

Posted by on Fri, May 20, 2011 at 11:24 AM

Hey, what if Harold Camping is right? The 89-year-old radio evangelist says the world will end tomorrow, starting with a stupendous earthquake at 6 p.m. New Zealand time. The destruction, says Camping, will then extend around the planet, zapping each time zone at exactly 6 p.m. That’s when  "all true believers are to be raptured to be forever with Christ" and nonbelievers will be left behind to suffer the agonies of the end of the world, which probably includes having rectal boils and locusts in your ears and so forth. Granted, Camping is probably wrong. He was wrong about the same thing in 1994, after all, and even Tim LaHaye, the co-author of those godawful Left Behind rapture novels, reacted to Camping’s prediction, by telling Time magazine, "It's amazing to me that people would follow this guy."

But again, assume for a minute that Camping  is the all-time champion example of a blind pig finding his acorn, and he’s actually right. What do you do until the mayhem starts? Obviously it’s too late for much of a bucket list, but here are a few suggestions to choose from for your final Friday and Saturday activities (Saturday options may not be available after 6 p.m.)

Are you young and in love with someone who’s in love with you? Hey, you don't need me to tell you what you should be doing.

Find a restaurant that still serves old-school, sauce-and-butter-heavy French cuisine, and dive in. Heck, if you have time, go to Paris and do it.

Find the worst boss you ever had and knock his/her teeth out.

Go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York and touch the Van Gogh works’ thick, bumpy gobs of paint.

Quit worrying about matching your socks.

Take a helicopter ride through the Grand Canyon. Pee out of the helicopter.

Waterboard an investment banker.

Fly to Boston and watch the Red Sox play the Chicago Cubs.

Dance wherever you go and whenever you feel like it.

Personally, I’ve already asked the fundamentalist nutjob on the street behind us (If you think I’m being unkind, consider what you would think if a neighbor created a sign showing Jesus holding a “Don’t tread on me” flag?) . . . Where was I? Oh yeah, I’ve already asked the guy if I can have all his stuff when the rapture comes, and even though he says he doesn’t believe Camping, you never really know, do you?

Whatever you do, make it a good one since it may be your last chance. Maybe, just maybe, though, we’ll see you again on Monday.

If this billboard is correct, it looks like the Rapture-ites will spend time crapping their pants. See if you can't find something better to do while waiting for the end.
  • If this billboard is correct, it looks like the Rapture-ites will spend time crapping their pants. See if you can't find something better to do while waiting for the end.

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