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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Your guide to tonight's third-party candidate debate

Posted By on Tue, Oct 23, 2012 at 10:41 AM

Tired of watching President Obama and Gov. Romney slug it out over Big Bird and binders full of women? Are you one of these mysterious and elusive undecided voters that no one actually knows? Then, a third party candidate may be for you.


Third party candidates would like to become president of this great nation but are unwilling to tell the bald-face lies required to run on a major party ticket. Candidates from smaller parties are not allowed to debate the GOP and Democrat big dogs because...they don't have enough money or white enough teeth, or something.

They do have their own debate, though. It's tonight at 9 p.m. and will be moderated by human fossil Larry King. You can watch live on YouTube, RT and Al Jazeera.

The third party debate will host 4 candidates. Here is a primer on each, and the party they represent.

Gary Johnson, Libertarian Party
Libertarians will fight for your right to party however you’d like, as long as you don’t infringe on anyone else doing the same. Whether you want to smoke weed or pray 24/7, it’s cool, just don’t expect government assistance when those activities reap no paycheck. Under this party, government would remove itself from foreign wars, education, retirement and free-market regulation. These ideals are great if you have faith in peoples’ ability to make solid decisions for themselves. Well, do you?

  • Johnson

As governor of New Mexico, Gary Johnson balanced the state budget while cutting taxes 14 times. Before his career as governor, he was a successful entrepreneur who turned a door-to-door handyman business into one of the largest construction companies in the state. He has also climbed to the top of Mount Everest because he can do shit like that. He is endorsed by people and groups as diverse as Ron Paul, Penn the magician, Sean Hannity and NORML.

Jill Stein, Green Party
The Green Party is founded on four pillars: ecological wisdom, social equality, grassroots democracy and non-violence, which sounds awesome but did not seem to work well for Tibet.

  • Stein

Dr. Jill Stein graduated from Harvard Medical School and became a pioneer in the green-health movement, publishing reports on environmental threats to child development and healthy aging. She played a key role in passing Massachusetts laws for campaign finance reform, mercury contamination warnings and coal plant regulation. She has been arrested twice for civil disobedience during her bid for the presidency: once while "occupying" a bank and once for trying to enter the presidential town hall debate last week. Yep, that’s right — a presidential candidate was arrested for trying to enter an officially sanctioned presidential debate. Thank God this thug is off our streets!

Virgil Goode, Constitution Party
The Constitution Party believes in following the Constitution and Bill of Rights as “interpreted according to the actual intent of the founding fathers,” who apparently hated gays and abortion, because this party supports neither, even in the case of rape and incest for the latter. It would also have the U.S. withdraw from the United Nations and nullify all trade agreements and treaties with other countries.

  • Goode

Virgil Goode is a former congressman representing Virginia who began his career in the House in 1996 as a Democrat. He later switched parties and became a Republican, but he lost his seat in 2008. You may remember him as the guy who threw a fit when the first Muslim Congressman, Rep. Keith Ellison from Minnesota, wanted to be sworn in on a Qur’an once owned by Thomas Jefferson. Its interesting that he now represents something called “The Constitution Party”, despite his disapproval of religious freedom and texts owned by founding fathers.

Rocky Anderson, Justice Party
The Justice Party is the latest and greatest third party. It opposes corporate donations, so it certainly won’t get any with a platform advocating a “fair and transparent” financial sector, which treats banks as public utilities. The Justice Party would also end the Bush tax cuts and subsidies to oil companies. It supports universal healthcare, marriage equality, repealing the Patriot Act, abolishing corporate personhood, banning mountaintop removal and transitioning away from fossil fuels. In other words, its my wish list for America in party form.

  • Anderson

Rocky Anderson is a former lawyer and two-term mayor of Salt Lake City. He rose to national prominence championing every progressive cause imaginable and advocating for the impeachment of George W. Bush. He has won awards from a long list of organizations, including the Sierra Club, the Human Rights Campaign, Code Pink and the Bill of Rights Defense Committee. He left the Democratic Party in 2011 saying, “The Constitution has been eviscerated while Democrats have stood by with nary a whimper. It is a gutless, unprincipled party, bought and paid for by the same interests that buy and pay for the Republican Party."

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