Wednesday, June 27, 2012

50 Shades of cataclysm

Posted By on Wed, Jun 27, 2012 at 12:25 PM

Many believe that 2012 is the year of Armageddon. The Mayan calendar ends in December, there are rumors of a zombie apocalypse bubbling on the East coast due to a string of flesh-eating incidents, and there are hourly hillbilly threats of bloody revolution if Obama gets re-elected in trailer parks all over the southeast.

I agree that we are on a path to destruction this year, but not because of fanatical politics, zombies or solar flares. No, no. I believe that the imminent demise of the human race will prove to be a direct result of the 50 Shades of Grey book trilogy by author and probable antichrist E.L. James.

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50 Shades is the story of ingénue Anastasia Steele, a college student who is the personification of the moth, aware but tragically drawn to the flame - the flame being one Christian Grey. Christian is a wildly attractive and successful entrepreneur. A billionaire before the age of 30, he has serious stalker tendencies, deep-seated mommy issues and a dark need to be in complete control of everyone and everything. As a result of this personality cocktail, Christian is a self-proclaimed sadist who contractually takes women with physical likenesses to his crack whore biological mother as his submissives , thus allowing him the liberty to beat the hell out of them with various objects, tie them up in what sound like highly uncomfortable positions, and "fuck them" senseless.

Not immediately alarming or terribly far removed from the loose plot of many low budget pornographic films, right?

The content of 50 Shades isn't a call for Jihad or the vehicle to inexplicable death within seven days of exposure, like the VHS from The Ring, but the side effects from ingesting this text are far more hazardous than anyone could have imagined. These books are the nuclear bomb of our generation. This entirely new brand of evil should not be taken lightly.

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