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A little kink on the side 

Plus, what a Spaz

I struck up a couple of casual conversations about a little kink with my girlfriend. She said things like, "I just like sex without all the drama and charades." Then I brought it up again later and the discussion devolved into an argument.

I had an almost identical convo with a previous girlfriend. It ended with her turning me down saying something like, "It just seems so distracting." I've never asked a girl for anything too odd. In fact, I've seldom gotten very far into any specifics, other than just saying I'd like to try some things out to see if they're fun. All my girlfriends, despite being quite fuck-happy, have blown me off repeatedly when it comes to role-play, light bondage, and other pretty mainstream kinks.

I feel hurt because I have not been able to feel the freedom of open exploration of my sexuality. I just want to explore more with somebody and have fun. How should I approach things differently?

No Kink At Twenty Eight

Provided you're not coming across like Eliot Spitzer doing a press conference -- provided you don't look and sound like a serial killer who just got caught with a suitcase full of women's skins -- all you have to do differently, NKATE, is make sure the girlfriend understands that drama and charades are requirements, not requests. Tell her that, being a decent sort, you would like to explore your run-of-the-mill kinks with your girlfriend. If she isn't willing to explore with you, well, then she's the wrong girlfriend for you and you're the wrong boyfriend for her. Shake hands and say goodbye. Then keep having these convos with the women you date until you run across a girl who shares your kinks or is GGG enough to indulge them.

And speaking of bondage ...

Another kinkster is dead after being tied up and left alone. James Bargy, 29, died after his wife, Rebecca Bargy, tied him up and left him alone for 20 hours. Mr. and Mrs. Bargy reportedly played this game before; she was spending the night at a hotel with another man, and their cuckolding routine involved her leaving him bound and him wiggling out of the bondage. Not this time: Mr. Bargy -- a ball gag in his mouth and most of his head wrapped in duct tape -- asphyxiated before his wife returned. Mr. Bargy remains deceased as of this writing and Mrs. Bargy is facing prison time.

Once again, dear readers, a tied-up person should never be left alone. If being tied up and left alone is an important part of the thrill, the tied-up person should not be in a stressful position, nothing should restrict his or her breathing (no gags or duct tape), and someone should be well within earshot at all times.

I've been reading your column for a few months, Dan, and I'm wondering a few things. What are your academic credentials (if any) that qualify you as some kind of sexpert? I suspect you have none. Are you a guy or a girl? Judging by the bias of your answers, my guess is that you're a woman. Are you straight, gay, or bi? Single, married, or divorced? I'm sure your readers would love to know the answers to all of these questions. However, I suspect you haven't got the balls to print this letter.

Chaz The Spaz

P.S.: The Playboy Advisor replies to all questions submitted (even those he doesn't print). Do you?

Look up "advice" in the dictionary, CTS, and it says, "opinion about what could or should be done."

The only qualification you need to offer someone your opinion, of course, is having been asked for it. As my mail comes addressed to me, I am uniquely qualified to offer advice in this space.

Look my ass up on Google, CTS, and it says that I'm a fag. I've been with the same guy for 13-plus years, we're husbands in Canada, boyfriends in the United States, and our young son's loving parents wherever the fuck we go. I have never claimed to be a "sexpert," whatever that is, and while I do not doubt that the Playboy Advisor is a better man than I in every respect, the volume of mail I get prevents me from answering everyone personally.

Editor's Note: Starting this issue, Savage Love will run weekly (instead of every other week) in the pages of Creative Loafing.

Download a new Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at To ask Dan Savage a question, write to

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