Adventures In Modern Listing 

1. Introduction

2. Write introduction, explaining why we're filling most of an issue with lists.

3. Lists are one of the most universally shared artifacts of postmodern culture, so we decided to experiment with expressing our views and our takes on contemporary life via a commonly seen, yet sorely underrated, medium.

4. Come down off your high horse.

5. Everyone makes lists and everyone likes reading other people's lists.

6. That's more like it.

7. Here you'll find a laundry list of lists from CL staffers covering a wide range of topics and interests, some serious, some humorous, and some both, plus a few head-scratchers.

8. There are yet more lists in this issue, in our music, movies, food and drink, and books sections.

9. Not to mention our regular listings (please note the subtle difference).

10. Hope you have as much fun reading these as we had writing them.

-John Grooms

Top Dozen Afterlife Possibilities

1 You will float around semi-conscious in a kind of amorphous slop and wonder, "This is it?!"

2 Reincarnation, in which your soul will come back to the physical plane (e.g., High Point or Shoney's) in a new body, as part of an eons-long inner trek toward God.

3 Heaven, where you'll be in God's presence forever and reunite with everyone you've ever known (or at least the ones who've made it to heaven too).

4 Hell, where you will burn in an eternal lake of fire, while agonizing over the loss of God's presence and have to hang out with evildoers like Hitler, Osama bin Laden, or Dick Cheney.

5 Purgatory, where you'll suffer the pains of separation from God but after awhile you'll be OK and go on up to Heaven (no word on passing Go or collecting $200).

6 Limbo, where you'll wonder why you were sent to a place with only dead, unbaptized babies.

7 A Greek guy will take you on a boat over the River Styx. Be sure to tip him.

8 The Happy Hunting Grounds, where the Great Spirit will let you hunt and be with your friends and family to your heart's content. Euro-Americans need not apply.

9 Tele-gatory, where it will take you many years to be a winning contestant on at least one episode of every TV game show that's ever aired. Afterward, you get a lot of parting gifts as you toddle off to Heaven.

10 Headbangia, where you will enjoy -- including refreshments, drugs, and friends -- an everlasting Judas Priest concert.

11 Libritopia, in which you will have all the time you need to read all the books you didn't have time to get around to in this life, and no one will interrupt you with their trivial concerns, e.g., vacuuming, getting your car's oil changed, etc.

12 Cirque du So Lame, kind of Hell Lite, where you have to repeatedly hear yourself speaking some of the lamest things you said during your life, including the smarmy "aren't I cool" tone you took when you said them. This particular afterlife is, for some mysterious reason, also inhabited by oddly dressed acrobats and aerialists who don't know how dorky and pretentious they are.

-- John Grooms

8 Worst Pick-Up Lines Actually Heard

1. Hey, wanna fuck and order pizza? What -- you don't like pizza?

2. Do you sleep on your stomach? Do you mind if I do?

3. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

4. Is that a keg in your pants? "Cause I'd love to tap that ass.

5. What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?

6. (Use index finger to call someone over, then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

7. Is that a Tic-Tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me?

8. Moustache rides! 25 cents!

-- Lindsey Herman

Lynn Wheeler's Private To Do List

1. Start day off right with new dress and a fresh "quarter-pounder" of make-up -- ALWAYS REMEMBER: dress should be "Sophisticute"! Don't forget quickie eye liner and mascara using "trick" telescope.

2. Do my hair.

3. Re-do make-up, then re-do hair again.

4. Be sure shoes match new dress in both indoor and outdoor lighting.

5. Look over agenda for next City Council meeting, get bored when I notice there are no developer rears to smooch this evening, throw agenda away.

6. Meet with You Know Who (Mr. Wealthy Developer #1), promise the moon. Re-do hair and make-up.

7. Meet with tree-hugging anti-development types (boo!) and pretend to give a rip about their tacky little middle-class neighborhood. Re-do hair and make-up.

8. Remember to go through daily fuming about asshole Pat not stepping down so I can run for mayor. And he promised!!

9. Meet with You Know Who (Mr. Wealthy Developer #2), promise the moon. Hope I have to re-do hair and make-up.

10. City Council meeting. Hope not too many real people show up to speak -- I get such a headache. Where do these people get their clothes?!

11. Have lavish dinner with [name deleted to protect innocent] (Another freebie!) Promise the moon, but remember the red wine makes me burp.

-- John Grooms

10 Traffic Problems That Could Be Solved By Installing A Rocket Launcher On The Hood Of My Car

1. The belief that "merging" means coming to a complete stop at the end of interstate entrance ramps.

2. Driving with the turn signal on for miles and then turning in the opposite direction without signaling.

3. Coming to a complete stop when turning.

4. Passing everyone when a lane is about to end and then expecting someone near the front of the line to let you in.

5. Drivers who tailgate and act all pissed off because you have the audacity to be going only 10 mph over the speed limit.

6. Cops who flash their lights to get through traffic, making everyone get out of the way, then as soon as they're through, their lights turn off and you see them just down the road having lunch at a diner.

7. SUV owners who drive like idiots just because they know their vehicle is built like a tank and if they're in an accident they won't be the ones getting hurt.

8. Drivers who pull out in front of you from a side street and then slow down.

9. Tagging along at the end of a line of cars that are turning left, well after the turn light has gone red.

10. Drivers who, even though they're on a four-lane road where everyone's doing about 55mph, slow wa-a-a-y down to look for a house number.

-- Molly H. McKinney & John Grooms

9 Reasons I Won't Buy a Vespa Scooter

1. The bankers and salespeople who pose as bikers on the weekends might point and make fun of me.

2. Could end up as tiny stain on tire of a soccer mom's SUV.

3. "Vespa" sounds like something you'd order at Starbucks.

4. Instead of tough and dangerous, chicks would think I look cute and sweet.

5. Impossible to pull off a head-nod greeting while sitting on a Vespa and not look foolish.

6. Doesn't burn nearly enough gas and oil. I'm an American, dammit!

7. I refuse to buy a product from the same country that makes those awful leather sandals for men.

8. Helmet hair.

9. Interferes with making cell-phone calls.

-- Sam Boykin

Top 75 Names From Charlotte White Pages

1. Bryan Adams
2. B Allegood
3. Tim Allen
4. C Allred
5. P Allred
6. Harry Bacon
7. Sandy Beach
8. Gay Beaver
9. Richard Bigger
10. Michel Bolton
11. James Bond
12. Terry Bradshaw
13. Starla Bright
14. Harry Bush
15. Larry Byrd
16. Bobbi Cake
17. Andrew Chalupa
18. Ty Cobb
19. John Cock
20. Arthur Coward
21. Mario Crank
22. Joseph Crapster
23. James Dean
24. James Dumbell
25. H Dumm
26. Quoc Dung
27. Wyatt Earp
28. Dee Fault
29. Benjamin Franklin
30. Joe Friday
31. John Glenn
32. Pepper Hair
33. Angel Haire
34. Mike Hunt
35. Michael Jackson
36. Don Johnson
37. Michael Jordan
38. John F Kennedy
39. Stephen King
40. James Kirk
41. Timothy Leary
42. Puggy Love
43. David Lynch
44. John Madden
45. Steve Martin
46. Johnny Mathis
47. Sarah McLaughlin
48. Bowwow Meo
49. Mitch Miller
50. Skinny Mingus
51. Mary Moe
52. Michael Myers
53. Ed Nugent
54. Charles Parker
55. Georgia Peach
56. Romeo Quick
57. Jackie Robinson
58. Christopher Rock
59. Tom Sawyer
60. Mike Schmidt
61. Sung Song
62. Martha Stewart
63. Ziggy Stardust
64. Ray Sun
65. Tung Tang
66. Elizabeth Taylor
67. James Taylor
68. Alice Walker
69. Bill Walton
70. George Washington
71. Jack Webb
72. Barry White
73. Vanessa Williams
74. Bobby Womack
75. Robert Zimmerman

-- Karla Smith

Top 10 Responses I've Gotten To the Name of This Paper

1. Creative what?

2. Ain't that that queer newspaper?

3. Ain't that the paper with all them sex ads?

4. What's that longhaired, pinko, hippie Jerry Klein really like? (People, he's gone.)

5. Are you as scared of Tara Servatius as we are?

6. Omigod, like, you write and stuff?

7. I hate Lucy Perkins.

8. Hey, you know what you need to write about. . .[insert self-promoting idea here].

9. Why can't Creative Loafing be more positive, like the Observer?

10. Creative Loafing! Wow, can I have your autograph?

-- Sam Boykin

4 Dead Comedians You Should Know

1. Bill Hicks: Since his death from cancer in 1994, Hicks has become the cult figure he should have been while alive. I don't know if he is, as one critic put it, "right up there with Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor," but he's awfully close. Part stand-up comedian, part philosopher / politician, Hicks used his all-consuming irreverence to create hysterical, often uncomfortable, profoundly subversive humor of the first order.

2. Jackie "Moms" Mabley: From the 40s through the 60s, this rubber-faced, toothless old African American woman, dressed in a frumpy housedress and floppy hat, was a huge hit in the black community and on the fringes of white culture via her albums and endless touring. Moms' recurring schtick was her endless search for a younger man to "satisfy my soul -- plus whatever else he can satisfy better than an old man." In case you think Moms was all gags and slapstick, note that in 1931, she collaborated with Harlem Renaissance writer Zora Neale Hurston in the Broadway play Fast and Furious.

3. Brother Dave Gardner: Truly one of a kind, this Tennessee Baptist minister turned comedian and singer amused, outraged and often befuddled audiences in the late 50s and early 60s with his incongruous Southern hipster persona (in that era's Ratpack-meets-blacks-and-beatniks sense). His routines were high-torque performance pieces that included cool-daddy philosophizing, Shakespeare parodies, a slew of characters, riffs and digressions on any subject under the sun and, yes, singing.

4. Myron Cohen: Little bald-headed guy, a staple of the Ed Sullivan Show, and one of the great Jewish storytellers. His slow, methodical delivery and spare but critical use of Yiddish were the workings of a master.

-- John Grooms

4 Worst Local Parking Lots To Get Into Or Out Of

1. Carolina Pavilion
2. Arboretum
3. Dilworth Gardens
4. University Place

-- Ann Wicker

Stupidest voice mails I received in 2002

1 Uh, yeah, I play in a local heavy band and I just want to say you guys always put down the heavy bands in town in that piece of shit Music Menu column and I'm sick of it. You don't know shit. I think you should fire Tim Davis and get a real music writer who doesn't have his head up his ass. Yeah, that's it. I tell you what else you should do -- stick your whole stupid paper up your ass. [chuckling and gradually louder volume, really warming up] Heavy bands rule these days, man, and you just can't stand it "cause you're a bunch of stupid pussies. Yeah, that's it. Somebody ought to come over there and beat the shit out of all of you! I tell you what, why don't all you pussies just suck my big heavy cock. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You guys suck! [This genius apparently didn't realize we have caller ID.]

2 Hello? Is this Harper's? Hello? [talking to someone else:] It said leave a message. Yeah, I guess it's Harper's, that's who I called. [back to message:] Hello? I want to get a takeout order. [talking to someone else:] I guess you have to leave takeouts on their answering machine. [unintelligible comments in background, followed by:] I'd like to get a grilled chicken Caesar salad -- make sure it's grilled, not blackened -- and an order of babyback ribs with fries and slaw, an order of chips with pimento cheese, and [talking to someone else:] Sally, what'd you say? [unintelligible comments in background, followed by:] make that two orders of babybacks with fries and slaw, plus three sweet teas. . . .[talking to someone else:} Well, shit, how'm I gonna know when it'll be ready? [back to message:] Hello? I'm going to be there in about 20 minutes, OK? My name is [withheld to protect the clueless]. Bye!

-- John Grooms

7 People Who Deserve A Good Beat Down

1. Movies, movies, movies -- doesn't matter what's playing or at what theater -- there's always someone talking to someone else, talking on their cellphone, kicking my seat, eating their first meal in weeks, or bringing their screaming 2-year-old to see something totally inappropriate, and I want to beat them all!

2. At concerts, there's always the drunk guy who spills his beer on you, the group of frat guys yelling lyrics in your ear as they shove you around, or the gaggle of Miss Things who think their conversation about purse shopping is more interesting than the show you paid to see.

3. Any parent who brings their brat to a restaurant, grocery store, or retail outlet and lets them run around bugging the other patrons as though the rest of the world is some sort of free babysitting service.

4. Any parent who blames their child's behavior problems solely on video games, TV, movies, music or "society" and can't take responsibility for their lousy parenting skills.

5. Religious fundamentalists of all persuasions. Get an education, for God's sake, and leave us alone!

6. People with car stereos that are worth far more than their cars and who drive around with the bass jacked up so high, you expect their car to fall apart around them.

7. That one old lady who will cut in front of you in line at the grocery store because "she didn't see you there" and then thinks that because she's old and claims she didn't see you that means she gets to stay in front of you.

-- Molly H. McKinney

Places In Charlotte I've Actually Seen People Using Their Turn Signals

1. Tyvola and South Boulevard
2. In front of Price's Chicken Coop
3. Downtown Post Office
4. University Place
5. Intersection near Johnson C. Smith
6. Central Avenue and the Plaza
7. Eastway and North Tryon
8. A Honda Civic, all the way through a car wash

-- John Grooms

Call Me Dubya, Call Me Shrub, Just Don't Call Me:

1. "Moron" -- Francoise Ducros, aide to Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien.

2. "Liar" -- Jim McDermott, Democratic congressman, saying the president will "lie" to secure his war agenda.

3. "Country Club Idiot" -- Simon Kahn, Canada-Israel Committee associate director.

4. "Mayberry Machiavelli" -- John Dilulio, former high-ranking Bush administration official, referring to Bush's staff.

5. "Dangerous" -- Chuck Hegel, Republican senator.

6. "Hitler" -- Herta Daeubler-Gmelin, German justice minister.

7. "Oil whore" -- member of England's Labour Party at recent anti-war rally

8. "Dumbya" -- dumbya.com

-- John Grooms

Top 5 Free Drinks Tim Davis Thinks Of When Someone Offers To "Buy You A Drink"

1. Bass Ale
2. Gin and Tonic
3. (tie) Vodka Sour/Dirty Martini
4. Anchor Steam
5. PBR "bomber"

-- Tim C. Davis

Strom Thurmond's To Do List

1. Lie in bed with TV on.
2. Get up to pee.
3. Go back to bed.
4. Pinch black nurse on the ass and try to remember the old days.
5. Sleep.

-- John Grooms

8 Worst TV Commercials

1. Any commercial for a drug where the list of side effects is worse than the illness it's curing.

2. Any commercial involving Britney Spears, Howie Long, Teri Hatcher, Carrot Top, Hulk Hogan or Alf.

3. That horrible commercial with the guy in the Riddler suit who screeches about how you can "use the thousands of dollars in free money the government gives out every year!"

4. Any of the Welch's Juice commercials with the lispy blond girl or the even more infuriating boy with the bowl hair cut.

5. Any of the commercials with that horrendous Pepsi girl. Bah-bah-bah-bah-bash her head in!

6. "Can you hear me now?"

7. The Michael Jordan Gatorade commercial where he's playing against himself in his Bulls days and then his college self shows up. The computer animation is terrible, the college player doesn't even look like him, and the whole thing leaves you with a creepy, unsettling feeling.

8. Any of the series of Chili's ads where "customers" sing their version of the Chili's theme song, or any Chili's ad with that bloody awful "Baby Back Ribs" tune.

-- Molly H. McKinney

10 Reasons Not To Be A Vegetarian

1. Bacon!
2. Corned Beef
3. Hickory Smoked Turkey
4. Honey Baked Ham
5. Pepperoni
6. Kielbasa
7. Buffalo Wings
8. Roast Beef
9. Hotdogs at a baseball game
10. Any Reuben (particularly if you're in New York)

-- Molly H. McKinney

9 TV shows that make you wonder what the networks turn down:

1. I'm A Celebrity -- Get Me Out of Here!
2. George Lopez
3. My Big Fat Greek Life (gimme a big fat Greek break)
4. Man vs. Beast
5. Married by America
6. Greetings From Tucson
7. Cops
8. Anna Nicole Show
9. Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People

-- Lindsey Herman

9 Favorite Quotes From Steven Wright

1. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

2. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

3. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

4. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

5. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

6. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other shows Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

7. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

8. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

9. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

-- Lindsey Herman

10 Reasons I Should Move Back To Brussels

1. George W. Bush
2. Inexpensive Health Care
3. John Ashcroft
4. Great Food, Beer, Pastries and Chocolate Out The Wazoo
5. Donald Rumsfeld
6. Art Nouveau Architecture All Over the Place
7. Lots of People There Speak English
8. Comics Museum
9. Gun Control
10. Beautiful Old Churches

-- John Grooms

10 Reasons I'd Rather Live In the US Than Belgium

1. Cheaper Gas
2. Peanut Butter
3. No Waiting For New American Movies
4. My Bitchy Aunt's Not Over Here
5. Less Soggy
6. African American Cultural Influences
7. Appalachian Mountains
8. Nearly Everyone Speaks English
9. More Fodder For Satire
10. Can Go More Than 200 Miles And Still Be In Same Country

-- John Grooms

5 Reasons Health Care Is So Damned Expensive

1. UnitedHealth Group Inc.: CEO William W. McGuire's 2001 earnings: $58,103,499 (salary, bonus, perks/benefits, deferred payments, exercised stock options).

2. First Health Group Corp. Outgoing CEO James C. Smith's 2001 earnings: $15,282,823.

3. CIGNA Corp. CEO H. Edward Hanway's 2001 earnings (approx.): $14,055,582.

4. WellPoint Health Networks Inc. CEO Leonard D. Schaeffer's 2001 earnings: $10,062,379.

5. Aetna Inc. CEO John W. Rowe's 2001 earnings: $5,557,896.

-- Thanks for idea to LA Weekly

10 Things Purgatory Might Be Like

1. A dirty cat litter box
2. Stale peanuts
3. Automobile dealerships' service departments
4. Waiting in line at K-Mart
5. Filling out a job application
6. Long graphics downloads
7. Plain tofu
8. Rocky IV
9. Macrame class
10. City Council meeting

-- John Grooms

15 Supposed Slang Terms For Marijuana, As Listed On The White House's Website

1. Airplane
2. Assassin of Youth
3. Astroturf
4. Aunt Mary
5. Boo boo bama
6. Broccoli
7. Sweet Lucy
8. Scissors
9. Rough stuff
10. Righteous bush
11. Rainy day woman
12. Gauge butt
13. Mary Weaver
14. Goof butt
15. Goblet of jam

-- Tim C. Davis