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Anti-abortion follies in the heartland 

A couple of weeks ago, while most of us were busy watching the nation's economy circle the drain, the North Dakota House of Representatives voted to grant personhood, including full legal rights, to fertilized human eggs. That's right — citizenship and rights, for things that are only one two-hundred-fiftieth (1/250) of an inch wide. The bill, if passed by the state Senate, would essentially ban abortion in North Dakota, and directly challenge Roe v. Wade, the U.S. Supreme Court decision that extended abortion rights nationwide.

Obviously, this is a landmark event that will be celebrated by grateful Ovo-Americans nationwide. Our potential eggy citizens' post-uterine supporters, too, say it's a long-awaited, welcome day in America.

Rev. Jimmy Ovens, head of the national Eggs Are People Too Coalition, said, "No longer will fertilized human eggs be dismissed as unworthy citizens simply because they're invisible to the naked eye and have no consciousness, never mind heads, limbs, or internal organs."

We at Creative Loafing have wrangled an exclusive interview with two potential citizens, Twin A and Twin B, straight from their mother's womb in Fargo, N.D. They spoke to us at the age of two days.

CL: So, Twin A, what gender are you and Twin B?

Twin A: Don't know yet.

Any guesses?

Twin A: I think we're probably male since we've been going on and on about the upcoming baseball season.

Baseball?

Twin B: Yeah, we're rooting for the Twins.

Twin A: Ba-da-boom!

I see. Well, guys, or guys-to-be, I assume you're both really happy that you may soon be given full citizens' rights.

Twin A: You bet I am. I can't wait to get out of here so I can sue the hell out of my mother.

Your mother? You mean, the woman whose womb you're in right now?

Twin A: The very one. Hey look, I'm getting screwed here. Dear ole Mom married a rich corporate executive and things were looking rosy, but then she left him for a friggin' performance artist, and now she's knocked up with me and B over there. What kind of financial future you think we'll have with a performance artist for a dad, huh? I'm telling you, I'm like beyond steamed.

So you plan to use your new legal rights immediately?

Twin A: You said it. As soon as I'm out of diapers and can make my own phone calls and such, I'm nailing Mom to the wall.

Twin B, are you going to join in A's lawsuit?

Twin B: Hell no, he's an idiot.

Twin A: Hey, watch yourself, B-boy.

Twin B: Or you'll do what? It's not like you can hit me; we don't even have arms, for crying out loud.

Twin A: Why, I oughta ...

Twin B: Oh shut up. You think just because you're getting some rights, you can do whatever you want. You're gonna find out, pal -- rights come with responsibilities.

You know, Twin A, your brother B is right.

Twin A: Oh, yeah? Tell that to Mom. She had the right to ask her artsy boyfriend to wear a condom, but she didn't take responsibility for doing that, did she?

Twin B: Exactly my point. Now she's responsible for deciding what happens next, which is why I'm pro-choice.

Twin A: WHAT?!?

Twin B: You heard me, Mr. Type A.

So, Twin B, am I hearing you correctly? You think your mom should have the right to abort you?

Twin B: Of course. I mean, it's her body.

Twin A: Great. Now I have to be in here for nine months with a crazy person. Or cell, or egg, or whatever.

So, B, I take it you're not keen on the idea of you and your twin being considered actual people.

Twin B: "Keen on it"? I think the whole thing is ridiculous. I can just see future laws passed by these geniuses: "A pile of metal parts is hereby an automobile," or "A grain of wheat is now a loaf of bread." I mean, come on: Do we look like people? We got no face, no shape, we haven't even gone through that lizardy stage yet. Hell, I don't even know how I'm talking to you!

Twin A: Traitor! Just wait till I can get my hands on your umbilical cord. For that matter, just wait till I have hands at all.

At that point in the interview, the twin eggs refused to talk anymore, and each one retreated in a huff to his own favorite part of the uterine lining.

And so it's ever thus in the United States. Unemployment lines may get longer; returns on your careful investments may be things of the past; genocide and war might ravage parts of the world; and the planet may be headed for ecological disaster. But it's good to know that one thing in these turbulent times remains constant: the ongoing American circus swirling around the issues of sex, abortion and reproductive rights. (FYI: The Colorado legislature is considering a similar proposal to North Dakota's.)

 For even more Boomer With Attitude, check out regular commentary from John Grooms on our news blog The CLog. 

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