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I met my boyfriend at college. We devoted all our time to each other until senior year, when he began to devote time to his friends. This caused us to fight a lot, and he kissed two other girls. Although I still thought he and I might get married someday, I broke up with him. While we weren't together, I dated other people. I was completely open and honest about this with him. He claimed he still loved me and swore he wasn't seeing anyone. I eventually got him to confess he'd slept with someone when we were broken up! And not just one girl, but several! We spent more time apart so I could get over this shocking news, but we're now together again. Was I right to give him another chance? Do you think he'll cheat on me?--Still Disturbed
Love is many things, but if you'd like to be in it for awhile, try not to see it as a permission slip to crawl into your partner's head and vacuum up everything inside. In demanding full disclosure, especially after you're out of the picture, you're right up there in Fantasyland with all the people who are getting married for the third or fourth time. (Excuse me, but at what point do these people have a hard time saying "till death do us part" with a straight face?)
You've heard that song, "To Know Him Is To Love Him?" Great in concept. Unfortunately, in many cases, to "know, know, know" somebody isn't to "love, love, love" them, but to find them progressively unappealing. Of course, this notion runs contrary to what I call the Informational Superiority Complex: smug couples who claim you don't have a "real" relationship unless you know "everything" about the person you're with. They're wrong. That's not a "real" relationship, it's a "too-real" relationship.
People aren't pretty. They just "clean up good." They clean up best from a moderate distance -- never letting their partner get close enough to notice that they pick their nose, bite their toenails in bed and eat spaghetti with cream sauce without utensils. In addition to their vile habits, most people are largely dull. Hence, a person who's a completely open book is probably someone whose partner's about to put them down to see what's on TV.
What you do need to know about your boyfriend is the big stuff: hopes, dreams, fears, etc. Is he a good guy, does he want what you want from the relationship, does he genuinely care about you? You can't get that information by standing on his chest and yanking it out of him with giant tweezers or by putting your stream of consciousness on a news-ticker and expecting him to follow suit. You look at what he does and who he is over time -- with the naked eye, not the electron microscope.
About this lashing out and kissing other girls business -- no, it wasn't right, but what does it say about the future? My guess -- that you'll need a life of your own if you want to be part of his. This brings us to the "shocking news" -- he saw other women, some of whom were naked at the time. Hello? Do we have a problem understanding what "broken up" means? Repeat after me: "Bye-bye! Bye-bye!" Apparently, you see it differently. Too bad you were so much better at gathering news than delivering it -- most notably, news of your creative take on breaking up: "You sit around twiddling Mr. Winky while I date a few people and decide whether to take you back."
Going Back For Bore
A friend fixed me up with a guy who turned out to be stiff and formal. He's a good person, but he doesn't have that funny bone I crave in a man. That's not just my opinion, either -- our mutual friend later admitted he's "completely serious." He seemed interested post-date. The voice in my head keeps saying, "Forget him, there's no spark." My best friend says "you can't judge someone on the first date." Should I go out with him again if he asks?--Debate Clubbed
Psychiatry and Movies-Of-The-Week have given hearing voices a really bad name. Think of all the times you should have heard voices -- like right before you bought pants that make your butt look as if it should come with a state capitol. The current voice in your head is telling you what you already know -- what you like. Why would you need a second opinion? A second date won't do anybody any favors either -- especially not the women out there who are looking for Mr. Serious. In the future, set clear man minimums for friends fixing you up -- like, that the man who's right for you is more likely to wear a frozen turkey as a hat than to be mistaken for one.
Copyright 2003, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
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