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Beyond Bush, Kerry & Nader 

A guide to some (very real) alternative Presidential candidates

Are you one of the "undecideds" wrestling with who to cast your vote for in the upcoming presidential election? Maybe it's not indecisiveness -- perhaps you just need to look closer at some of the other, alternative candidates for President. No, not Ralph Nader -- compared to these guys, Nader's a respected member of the Establishment. Some of the "other" presidential candidates are funny, some are obviously off their nut, and others are just plain scary. And we've tracked 'em down, from fascists and conspiracy theorists to porn stars and a homeless, pot-smoking nun. We didn't include some perennial presidential candidates like Lyndon "Am I a rightwing nut or a leftwing nut" LaRouche, nor those whose candidacy is part of an overall crusade, such as Native American candidate, and federal prisoner, Leonard Peltier.

All native-born Americans 35 years or older have the right to run for President, and sure enough, every four years, a slew of Washington wanna-bes let it be known that they could run things better than the current White House occupant. Even though there's no way any of these presidential hopefuls will win your vote, they can at least make you appreciate the many choices we have available in the good ol' US of A.

Randy Crow

Every presidential election needs at least one paranoid conspiracy theorist, and boy do we have one with Mr. Randolph W. "Randy" Crow, a small businessman and former realtor in Wilmington, NC. According his website, in 1994 Crow "started having numerous run-ins with a clandestine force which, I feel, played many dirty tricks on me." Some of these dirty tricks included testing his blood and implanting a computer chip in his body. This somehow prompted him to start running for public office, and he launched his political career with an unsuccessful run for Wilmington City Council in 1997. He followed that with a string of losing campaigns for Congress, President and the US Senate. "Thanks to the rumor mill and a rigged political system, my political success is the same as all political candidates who do not dance the Zionist jig, no wins," he writes. Undaunted, he's again running for President again in 2004. Crow explains on his website that "I am involved in politics to get rid of filthy communists and lots of others."

A self-proclaimed expert on conspiracies, Crow believes that the FBI blew up TWA Flight 800 with a laser and shot down Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan's 2000 campaign plane. He also writes on his site that "Big George's Shadow Government is up to no good and this evil organization is responsible for planning and implementing September 11, the war with Iraq, the DC sniper shootings, and many other dirty deeds."

When we asked Crow to speak to us, he replied: "Thanks but no thanks. I do not consider myself as a Creative Loafer. The reason I have spent $60,000 or so of my own money running for political office is because I am a concerned citizen who does not believe our country should spend money killing people who do not need killing. . .Sorry, but I do not need to bash myself. Rest assured Little George's clandestine forces do a nice job of bashing me all by themselves."

Jack Grimes

If you're looking for a candidate to give you the warm fuzzies, look no farther than Jack Grimes, the "Leader and Director of the United Fascist Union." Grimes, who lives in Pennsylvania, explains he wants to restore a New World Order based upon the governmental style of Imperial Rome "to institute a military dictatorship form of government over the Earth." But in fairness, Grimes asks folks on his website to "leave your notions about fascism behind, because you probally (sic) have the wrong idea, fascism is much different than you think, so once again -- don't bring those notions in here."

Having set that straight, Grimes goes on to stress that, "The psychic is the next great step in the evolution of humankind on this planet. We believe that with the dawn of the New Age that will come about at the turn of the 21st century there will be a marked increase in the birth rate of natural telepaths, both senders and receivers."

As far as his specific political aims, Grimes says he plans to address "the dilemmas now facing America and the whole of Western civilization: Democracy, Christianity, International Capitalism, Earth Changes, UFO's, government cover-ups, and others."

Don't miss the "Pictures" page of Grimes' website to view a pouty-looking Grimes and his girlfriend, both posing in their homemade black dictator uniforms, in what looks like a K-mart photography studio. And don't forget the Discussion Boards section, in which Grimes talks about the problems he had getting to a campaign event in another state because his Mom's car was broken.

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