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Beyond Bush, Kerry & Nader 

A guide to some (very real) alternative Presidential candidates

Page 3 of 3

www.prattas.com

Vermin Supreme

Finally a candidate I can get behind! While folks like Bush and Kerry ramble on about the economy and terrorism, Mr. Supreme is the only guy willing to tackle the one issue no one else dares talk about: better dental hygiene. To make sure the American people regularly brush and floss, he promises: "Warrantless random no-knock dental inspections; Government-issued toothpaste containing addictive yet harmless substances; Video surveillance through two way bathroom mirrors; Moisture and motion sensor devices in all toothbrushes, and preventative dental maintenance detention facilities." But his most inspiring campaign proposal is one of true genius: Gene splicing to create a race of "winged monkeys to act as tooth fairies."

His other campaign promises include: "To do something about the weather; massive and arbitrary censorship of anything found offensive by an appointed truth and morality squad; making dangerous weapons available to anyone who wants them; legalization of prostitution and gambling along with the promotion of professional sports, video arcades, and crack houses together with other mindless forms of diversion to help you take your mind off what's really going on." And finally, in what may just give him the extra boost he needs to take his place in the White House, he promises "Free pizza and beer for everybody."

Before you scoff, Vermin Supreme actually qualified for a spot -- with that name -- on the January 13, 2004, primary ballot in the District of Columbia (8th place -- 144 votes). How did he pick his name? "All politicians are, in fact, vermin. I am the Vermin Supreme, therefore I am the most qualified candidate in this race."

www.zerohits.com/vermin/vermin1.html

Gene Amondson

Given our country's growing disdain for alcohol and declining sales, Prohibition Party candidate Gene Amondson may just be on to something. A professional "Temperance Lecturer" who reenacts early-1900s evangelist Billy Sunday's "Sermon Against Alcohol," Amondson, in a controversial turn of events, took over as presidential candidate from longtime Prohibition Party National Chairman Earl Dodge, who captured a whopping 208 votes in the 2000 election. Despite the fact that Amondson was elected as the new candidate, Dodge nonetheless called for a Presidential Nominating Convention in August 2003, which consisted of eight people -- most of whom were Dodge relatives -- who met in Dodge's living room and nominated him for President. The party's new leadership later voided that convention, and tried to pacify the Dodge faction by offering the VP spot to Howard Lydick -- who was Dodge's designated 2004 running mate -- but Lydick refused to run with anyone except Dodge. So now there's a continuing feud between the Amondson and Dodge parties. Maybe if they all just sat down and had a beer together they could work things out.

Charley Jay and Marilyn Chambers

Americans love sex, violence and money, so who better to run the country than a boxing and gambling enthusiast and a former porn star? Charley Jay of Indiana, publisher of the sports/gambling website "Total Action" is the Personal Choice Party candidate for president. His VP running mate is adult movie "actress" Marilyn Chambers. Jay, who is also spokesman for the International Brotherhood of Prizefighters and member of the International Boxing Hall of Fame Election Committee, says he supports the "reform" of boxing by removing state government involvement in oversight and opposes any proposals to federalize boxing oversight in the US. His top issue, however, is to permit legalized gambling nationwide. "Gambling is a libertarian pursuit, not only for the vendor, but also, and more importantly, for the consumer as well," says Jay. "The issue of legalized gambling serves as a "prism' by which we can take a look at many other issues that are of great interest to those who prefer Personal Choice, and which should be of interest to all citizens." Chambers -- a former Ivory Soap model before she turned to porn in the mid-1970s -- became famous after starring in such X-rated classics as Behind the Green Door and Insatiable. During the period in which she left porn, Chambers owned and operated a gun shop. In the late 1990s, Chambers returned to the skin flick business, making her one of the oldest stars to regularly appear these days in mainstream porn. This 2004 VP run is Chambers' first foray into politics.

Contact Sam Boykin at sam.boykin@cln.com.

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