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Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files (Feb. 11) 

On the run

Sundae, Extra Nuts A pair of hard-partying suspects weren't ready to call it a night after security kicked them out of an EpiCentre bar last week. With 15 minutes to spare before last call, the clubbers attempted to enter a second EpiCentre bar through a back door on the lower level. After gaining entry to the bar's kitchen, the pair stole an apron and $92 worth of ice cream, then attempted to banana-split from the scene on their party bus. Police were able to intercept the thieves on the street and recover the stolen items.

Emotionally Taxing An east Charlotte man is ready to do his taxes, and he's ready to do them now. According to police reports, the man stormed into his accountant's office and demanded that they hand over his W-2. When the man became increasingly irate, an employee informed him that she was calling police. "Go ahead," he told her. "That's how people get killed." What's that they say about death and taxes?

Despicable Deeds A suspect now faces multiple drug charges after police decided to search his conspicuous pill-popper backpack and discovered a "felony amount" of marijuana, prescription painkillers and other paraphernalia. Police were responding to a tip from the owners of an Independence Boulevard hotel who suspected that a man wearing a backpack designed as a Minion from the Despicable Me movies was conducting drug deals in the parking lot. It looks as if they were correct, as the little Minion (which is basically just a pill with eyes) backpack contained more than 260 Oxycodones.

Rear Entry A University City mom called the law after discovering her daughter's boyfriend had found a way to secretly slide in and out of her home undetected. The resourceful Romeo was sneaking through the daughter's bedroom window and was only discovered after the mother realized a hole was cut in the screen. She then filed vandalism charges. Sounds like someone needs to work on their pull-out game.

Sucks to your Assmar Further proving that kids these days are absolute savages, police responded to a fight at a West Charlotte school and discovered that one of the pre-teen brawlers was armed with a homemade shank. The middle school MacGyver had fashioned the shank by sharpening a wooden stick then wrapping tape around the shaft for ease of grip. Though the weapon wasn't used in the Lord of the Flies-esque squabble, it was seized by CMPD and held as evidence.

San Andreas' Fault A North Charlotte woman's recent accident spree can best be described by likening it to what happens when you let your over-medicated cousin play Grand Theft Auto. The unnamed suspect was driving down a residential street when she allegedly rear-ended another car and continued driving. The driver in the struck vehicle began to follow the woman down the road, then observed her drive through multiple small trees before finally rolling to a stop. At this point, the suspect (following GTA logic that if you flee the scene of a crime, it basically never happened) got out of her car and ran away. Her star level never decreased though.

All You Can Eat Police were called to a Charlotte-area Chinese buffet after one employee decided that a customer had had more than her fair share of food. The 58-year old diner told responding officers that she had been helping herself to the buffet when the consumption-conscious employee grabbed her wrist, then attempted to drag her away from the serving station by her arm.

Blunt Cruising A dazed and confused driver was picked up by CMPD after an officer observed him driving the wrong way on a one-way road Uptown. According to police reports, the officer approached the vehicle on foot and immediately detected the aroma of marijuana wafting from the car. The driver rolled down his window, allowing the officer to see what was rolled up in the ashtray, and drug charges were (inevitably) filed.

On the Runs A thief fell a few notches short of discreet when he burgled an Independence Boulevard dollar store for adult diapers, a pack of beer and an assortment of rugs and blankets. The shoplifter probably felt that leaving the store without paying was justified when he thought of the awkward small talk the cashier would try to make as he rang up the merchandise — "so it looks like you're having a fun night."

A Small Price Police interviewed a 29-year old woman who ended up in the emergency room after an unconventional car accident. The woman had been riding beside her boyfriend in the backseat of a car driving through a South Charlotte neighborhood when her door flew open and nearly flung the woman from the moving vehicle. Her fast-acting boyfriend yanked the woman back into the car, breaking her arm in the process. This amounts to the first and only time a man will get brownie points for putting his girlfriend in the hospital.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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