Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files (Jan. 28) 

What? A recent police report listing the incident location as a suburban home in the Idlewild Farms neighborhood in east Charlotte included just a three word narrative, but those three words were enough to send a shiver through your spine (and jaw). The narrative simply stated, "Unlawful dentist investigation." Enough said.

Sensing a Theme In an unrelated (we hope) case, someone filed a police report after finding a peculiar assortment of personal belongings in an Uptown parking garage. Among the items found: unidentified medical equipment, molds of human teeth, articles of women's clothing, multiple purses and a cell phone. We're sure there's a reasonable explanation (no... no, we're actually not).

Speed Demon A 16-year-old boy in east Charlotte was robbed of his hoverboard by another boy who realized it doesn't make for a good getaway vehicle last week. The victim told officers the suspect asked to ride the hoverboard and began to roll away from the victim. When he got to a certain point and realized he wasn't putting enough distance between himself and the crime scene, the suspect picked up the hoverboard and ran off with it.

Don't Be A Tool A 25-year-old woman's plans to attend an upcoming Tool concert were derailed when threats from a fellow fan made it clear that she'd be subject to a different kind of head-banging if she was spotted at the show at Bojangles' Coliseum. The woman told police that the suspect threatened her by sending a text that read, "I'm going to beat the life out of you, if I see you at the tool (sic) show I'm going to rip you down by the hair and slam your head down repeatedly because you're too skinny and frail." (Police reports don't reveal whether the suspect was aware that most Tool fans fit this description.)

I Know Where You Live An Idlewild woman allegedly struck her neighbor's car after deciding you don't need to hit the brakes if you honk the horn. Both drivers were backing out of their driveways simultaneously when they collided in the street. Evidently not content with a measly 'failure to break' citation, the woman decided to add 'hit and run' to her list of crimes by fleeing the scene when the other driver got out of his car to dial 911.

Everything in the Kitchen Sink A trio of shoplifters weren't the only thing left running after what started as a routine theft at a South Charlotte home improvement store went awry. The crooks were walking out of the store with several stolen sink faucets, when one of the sticky-fingered thieves decided to spice things up by pepper-spraying a store employee. With eyes running, nearby employees were unable to stop the thieves, who made a clean getaway with their new, top-of-the-line sink appliances.

That One Friend A University City man just secured the title of 'designated dasher' when he skipped out on his check at a Chinese buffet only to join his three friends in the car, turning it into a getaway car and them into accomplices. The check, which came to a staggering $5.41 before tip, must have come as a surprise to the man, because he ran from the restaurant and dove into a vehicle with the three guys who sat with him during his meal and had already paid for their meals.

Don't Spend it All in One Place A Boise, Idaho, woman discovered her retirement account had been hacked and funds had been withdrawn to the tune of $1. Boise police were able to identify the suspect as a Charlotte resident and transferred the case to CMPD, who are now tasked with tracking down the petty thief. Dollar stores of Charlotte, you've been warned.

Ridin' Dirty A Charlotte man was taken for a ride when a coworker crashed his motorcycle then refused to pay for repairs. The coworker had evidently snuck out for a joyride around the parking lot on the bike without asking permission, then crashed, causing extensive damage and rendering the motorcycle inoperable. When the bike's owner discovered what had happened, his coworker initially agreed to pay for any necessary repairs — until he realized just how expensive it would be ($4,100).

Breaking Bro-tocol A 22-year old Pineville man was only a few miles from home when he woke up on the side of a residential street, but when he failed to recognize his surroundings or recall the events that lead to blacking out, he freaked. The standard bro-cedure might be to call a friend or acquaintance for help. Instead, this guy called police and requested emergency treatment. When officers responded to the call, the man informed them that he had taken drugs 12 hours earlier, but wasn't able to identify what substances he had taken.

Employee of the Month A cashier at a University City retail store decided to add the five-finger discount to her work benefits package when she started swiping merchandise while on the clock. The crooked cashier's lunch breaks soon grew into a nearly month-long crime spree, which escalated to fraudulently loading funds onto store gift cards, before she was eventually found out and apprehended.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.