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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police file (Aug. 24) 

Yesterday's Trash: Police responded to a domestic disturbance call last week after a woman was assaulted by her husband. The report states that the suspect pushed his wife into her father's car, breaking the side mirrors. The suspect then fled the scene in his father-in-law's car. The car was found unattended with the suspect's 1-month-old baby inside a car seat that was tipped over and completely covered by a cardboard box. This was at noon during the summer, although the air conditioning was running. I'm sure he just went to get the little girl some ice cream.

Street Justice: A 28-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone by a known suspect. The woman told officers that the suspect called her three times and made threats such as: "My brother, my cousin and my friends are going to hurt you because you had me beaten." Another suspect also called and said, "I have a gun and I am coming over to settle accounts with you about the beating." The victim told police she "believes the suspects intend to harm her." At least we're all on the same page here.

This One Time: An employee at Phillip O. Berry Academy of Technology filed a police report after realizing that one of her musical instruments was missing. The woman told officers that she realized when she returned from band camp with her students that someone had stolen an alto saxophone worth $1,800 from the band room. This is what happens when you don't let Lisa Simpson go on field trips.

Hot Mess: A woman called police after she was assaulted from a distance while driving to work last week. The woman told officers that she was sitting at a traffic light on South Boulevard when a man pulled up beside her who apparently did not like her driving skills. The man threw coffee from his vehicle into hers, ruining her dress and staining the interior of her vehicle. If I was him, I would've yelled, "Wake up!" while I was doing it. That would be funny ... or maybe not.

Fortified: A 54-year-old woman filed a police report after unknown suspects stole a number of items from her yard. The woman told officers that while she was at work, someone stole a cast iron swing from her front porch. The suspects also went to the side of the house and stole three metal screen doors, two kitchen sinks and a roll of 50-foot barbwire. Maybe that roll of barbwire would have done you some good if it was actually put to use.

Dedicated Mother: A 40-year-old man called police after being threatened by his baby's mama. The man told officers that the woman called him one afternoon and stated: "Before I pay you child support, I will quit my job, come to Charlotte and kill you in your driveway." It's usually the guys who act like complete assholes when it comes to parenting in Charlotte, so it's refreshing to see the roles switch every once in a while.

Sad Day: A 28-year-old man called police after being assaulted by his drinking partner last week. He told officers that the two men got into an argument when the suspect hit him in the face with a half-empty can of beer. Now I usually only talk about the funny reports I come across because it's tough to make jokes about the killings, suicides and molestations I read about every week. A tragic waste of beer like this? It's just not funny.

Swing Away: A 23-year-old woman filed a police report after becoming tired with the harassment she faced at the hands of her ex-boyfriend. She told officers that the man has been making harassing phone calls to her for months now and even figured out her number after she had it changed because of him. The victim also reported that she became really freaked out when the suspect showed up at her place of employment with a baseball bat. That was until she remembered she works at the batting cages, and she calmed down a little bit.

Steal In Bulk: A 35-year-old man called police last week after his house was broken into. The man stated that someone broke into his bedroom window while he was on vacation and took a flat screen television, $3,000 worth of gold jewelry, the key to his Chevrolet Impala and 30 rolls of toilet paper. It's always good to steal necessities from someone who shops at Sam's Club. Then you don't have to rob anyone for a good long while.

Threat of the Week: A 42-year-old man called police after he and his 19-year-old son were threatened by the same man. The suspect told the father, "Shut up! I will beat your ass. I will get my daddy to burn you." He then told the boy, who was his own age, "I'm gonna smack you. I'll fuck you up. I'm coming to your job." I'm assuming you're going to fill out an application, and you want the kid to put in a good word for you.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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