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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files (Aug. 3) 

Pot Head: A concerned mother called police last week after her 2-year-old son was assaulted during a melee in her home. The woman told officers that her son had been hit in the face with broken glass and needed medical attention. The officers found that the glass came from a shattered marijuana pipe. The evidence was collected and "possession of drug paraphernalia" was added to the charges against the suspect. This is why kids should be at least 4 years old before they start hitting the heavy equipment.

Take a Stroke: Police were called to Larkhaven Golf Club last week after a suspicious object was found in one of the ponds on property. An employee informed officers that a couple of people he hired to dive for golf balls in the pond recovered a black Kel-Tec .40-caliber pistol.

Getting Dirty: A 44-year-old man called police last week after realizing that his home had been vandalized. He told officers that an unknown person threw a rock through the window in his mudroom, breaking it. If there's anywhere a rock should be — other than outdoors — I suppose a mudroom would be the place.

Grab and Go: Employees were called to a local CVS last week after a man shoplifted from the store and made a run for it. Employees told police the man grabbed a box of laundry detergent and a pair of reading glasses before fleeing the building. Police soon found the man only a short distance away, probably very upset that he didn't grab the box of wine that he thought he snagged. That's why you steal the reading glasses first.

Property Control: A 40-year-old man filed a police report last week after his property was vandalized by an angry neighbor. He told officers that the neighbor took down a "No Trespassing" sign that he placed there after the two got into an argument over whether his fence truly marked the property line. The suspect threw the sign deep into the victim's yard. Tell him the fence stays, but if he wants to come in and mow those couple of rows whenever it gets too long, he can feel free.

You've Been Poked: A 38-year-old man filed a police report last week after falling victim to an obvious scam while chatting with somebody on Facebook. He told officers that this person, whom he met online, told him that if he sent him $2,000 to "cover a few fees," then the victim would receive $150,000 shortly afterward. Needless to say, the money never came. I'm still waiting on a 20-pumpkin return I was promised on a 1-credit investment I made for a friend's Farmville a year ago. I think I better go to the police.

Trashed: A 39-year-old woman called police last week after her home was ransacked while she was at work. The woman came home to find that multiple people had gained entry to her house by removing an air conditioning unit. The suspects stole thousands of dollars worth of electronics including laptops, desktop computers and flat screen televisions. They also smashed all the TVs smaller than 50 inches; sliced up three couches; tore apart mattresses; sprayed the walls with chocolate syrup and ketchup; smashed holes in walls; and vandalized two vehicles in the driveway. They even stole the airbags out of the Dodge Ram. Well, at least the mirrors weren't shattered. If not, you could have been in for some bad luck.

Big Ballers: Employees at a local Family Dollar called police after discovering that their store had been vandalized overnight. The employees showed officers that someone had spray-painted the word "Crip" on a display board in front of the store. That explains why I couldn't find any red plastic cups when I was there last month.

Playing Chicken: Police responded to what they call a "rolling domestic" in the southbound lanes of I-77 last week after two people were reportedly arguing in the middle of the busy freeway. Officers found this to be true when they arrived — and also found that it had caused traffic to come to a stop. When officers attempted to separate the two parties, they both became combative and one of the suspects spit in an officer's face. That's when I would be tempted to give him a little push into the left lane. But then, I guess that's why I'm not a cop.

Threat of the Week: A 21-year-old woman filed a police report after receiving numerous threats via phone calls and text messages. The woman told her that the suspect had been threatening to kill her and her unborn child for more than a week, and in the latest threat, the suspect stated, "I'm going to drag you up and down the sidewalk." It makes sense. Baby strollers can cost a fortune these days.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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