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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files (Dec. 21) 

Performance Artist: A 22-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened via text message. She said she received a text from the suspect stating, "I will hurt you in public. I don't care who is around." But he will make love to her in private.

Demolition Derby: Police responded to an accident off Monroe Road last week where two guys had snapped at the same time. One of them said he was in his 1994 Lincoln when the other rammed it with a 2003 GMC Yukon. Both men eventually admitted they had rammed each other's vehicles during the confrontation. Judging by the damage costs listed on the report, the Yukon won.

Health Care: Police responded to a disturbance at Carolinas Medical Center in south Charlotte after a man lost his temper. A 25-year-old male told officers the suspect punched him in the lip. The suspect then stated he would return to the hospital and shoot that victim and three more. Hey if you're going to get shot, CMC's the place to be.

Shootin' the shit: A 50-year-old man filed a police report after he was threatened by a man with whom he'd been having problems. The victim told officers the man called him about a dispute the two had over a truckload the victim was hauling for the suspect. The suspect told the victim, "I am going to shoot the shit out of you." We recommend aiming for the intestines.

All The Way Home: A 24-year-old woman called police after two men attempted to break into her home while she was there. The two men kicked in her back door and her front door and loudly identified themselves as police, but when the house alarm began to ring the men took off down the street. I don't see how they expect to protect and serve anyone with that sort of attitude.

Jack and Jill: A 52-year-old woman called police after she was threatened last week. She told officers the suspect said, "If you come back over here, I am going to bodily remove you and throw you down the hill."

Jingle Bells: A 58-year-old man called police after someone broke into his south Charlotte home last week. He reported that some $37,000 worth of jewelry was missing, including around five necklaces, six bracelets, multiple rings, and a pocket watch. They don't know which way the suspects went, but we guess it's in the direction of that ghostlike jingling sound

Lame brain: A 25-year-old woman filed a police report after receiving a threat over Facebook. She told officers the suspect left her a message that read, "I have my gun and my Taser and I am ready to meet you and when I see you I will show you a lame." A lame? Judging by her Facebook friends, she's already well-versed on them.

Pissed: A man was arrested near South Tryon Street last week after he decided it would be a good idea to urinate on a police car — in front of the officer. He then resisted arrest but was caught easily. It's hard to run when you're letting it all hang out. Dangerous, too, if he was wearing zipper-fly pants.

Threat of the Week: A 30-year-old woman filed a police report after someone stole from her and threatened her daughter. She told officers the suspect was putting laundry in her bedroom when she stole a $20 bill. The suspect also pointed at the victim's daughter and said, "I'm going to kill that fucking thing." Pretty good sign that it's time to replace your au pair.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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