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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files (Jan. 25) 

Cheesy: Police responded to a local Food Lion last week after security guards caught a man trying to stick a half-gallon of milk and some Velveeta in his pants. Look, if you've decided to steal a creamy cheese-like substance, why not go all out and take the brie? (We're going to save the question of how the guy managed to get a half-gallon of milk down his pants for another week.)

Flight Risk: Police responded to a call at the Mecklenburg County Courthouse last week after a man ditched a cab driver without paying the fare. The driver told officers that after he dropped the man in front of the building, he said he'd be back in 10 minutes for a ride to the airport. An hour later, the man had not returned. Apparently, the judge saw that one coming.

Impatient Neighbors: A 25-year-old woman called police reporting that she had woken up to find that someone had stolen her light-up snowman and ripped out multiple strands of Christmas lights. No other damage was found. Hey lady: two weeks of twinkling lights into the new year, neighbors will get annoyed. Three weeks? They take action.

FUC'D: A 39-year-old man called police after escaping a psychotic woman he had picked up. He told officers he saw the woman at a gas station on Sugar Creek Road and she told him she had a family emergency. He took her to a hotel a few miles away and she went inside. When she returned to his car, the woman told him to take her back to the store. While he was driving, the woman told him to give her all of his money. Instead of doing so, he took out his phone and called 911. The woman grabbed the wheel and forced the man to pull over. She then grabbed the man's keys and GPS unit and said he would have to pay to get them back. The man paid her and she ran into the woods. Does this scenario have Fucked-Up Crack Deal gone crazy written all over it or what?

Pissed off: A 34-year-old woman called police around midnight one day last week after she looked out her window and witnessed a man urinating on her 2005 Dodge Magnum. Thankfully, all he had to do was pee.

Bad Teacher: A 13-year-old student at James Martin Middle School reported to police that someone stole her iPod from a classroom. She told officers that she had let the teacher borrow her iPod Touch because she wanted to have some music in the room. The teacher said she had secured the iPod in her desk, but when she left the room an unknown student must have taken it. Yeah, sure. That's the ticket.

I have a nightmare: A 48-year-old woman called police after a neighbor drove past her in the parking lot of their apartment complex and said, "I am going to kill you, bitch. Don't mess with my car." The victim then a found a drawing of a gun on her car door inscribed with the words, "Happy Martin Luther King Day." Apparently, the suspect missed the "non" in nonviolent social change.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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