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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Condiment Crook: A man was confronted at a grocery store after store surveillance watched him remove items from the shelves and conceal them in his coat pockets. When he tried to leave the store without paying, he was asked to empty his pockets. It was then revealed that the suspect had stolen cheese, butter, fig bars, salad dressing and barbecue sauce. Somewhere, somebody is sitting at a picnic blanket with just meat and bread ... waiting.

Taking Everything: A 24-year-old man reported that somebody had found a way to get into his car and steal a few things. A tachometer, a CD player face, drill bits and a TV screen were stolen. Looks like they got everything but the ... oh wait, no, they stole a kitchen sink, too. Seriously, they stole a kitchen sink out of this guy's Honda.

Quick Nap: A man called police when he woke to find a man sleeping on his couch at 3:40 a.m. The offender was not believed to be breaking and entering, but just so drunk that he entered the wrong residence. Because who doesn't do that every once in a while, right?

Trojan Horse: A man was arrested at a Wal-Mart when he was witnessed concealing a pack of condoms in his front pocket and trying to leave without paying. Let him go! We don't need people who get arrested stealing prophylactics reproducing.

Pass It Around: A 24-year-old woman called police when a known suspect called and threatened her, saying, "You bitch, I'm going to kill you if he has anything." Some poor guy is getting the short end of this stick. These people need to take a tip from the above-mentioned condom man.

Livin' The High Life: A man was issued a citation after walking into a gas station and stealing one can of Miller High Life. I just don't get it. There are 12-packs sitting right there next to them! I guess you just have to know when enough is enough.

Justice Is Poured: A 29-year-old woman called police to report that someone had vandalized her car. It seems that milk, or a mixture of flour and water, was poured on the victim's hood, causing $10 in damage. Wow! Do not mess with that person. Seriously.

Kill Two Birds: A man reported to police that an unknown suspect driving a white dump truck attempted to illegally dump construction materials at a certain address. In the process of this dumping, the suspect also tried to run over the victim with the dump truck.

Nice Guys Finish Last: A 19-year-old male was hospitalized after being punched in the face during a fight with friends. The problem was that he wasn't fighting. The victim told police he was trying stop the fight, and as he held one of his friends back he was punched in the face by another. He ends up in the hospital and his buddies, well they're probably doing whatever friends do.

Something's Fishy: Police were called to a pharmacy after a man stuffed a number of different types of air fresheners in his pants and ran from the store. Store employees reported that he has done this before and never been caught, including this occurrence. Do the police not have K-9 units? Follow the scent! OK, that was too easy.

Technological Thug: A 22-year-old woman reported that her ex-boyfriend had called her eight times after being forbidden to contact her. When the victim refused to answer the calls, the ex sent a picture message of himself pointing a large caliber automatic pistol at the camera. If you have any telegrams in the near future, I would stay away from those.

Threat of the Week: A 36-year-old woman told police that a man called and told her that, because she had gotten her own brother out of jail, he was going to kill her. He would find her wherever she was and kill her. If she was home or out, he was going to kill her. He wasn't afraid of the police and no matter what, he was going to kill her. This is just an author's note, but I hope her brother said thank you for getting him out of jail, because that man is going to kill her!

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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