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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Peeping Hulk: A man got into an argument with a woman who said that he became so enraged that he punched two holes in his bedroom wall, turned over a dresser and threw a TV through the wall. The reason for this argument? She had confronted him about printing pornography from the computer. I wouldn't stand between this guy and a Playboy -- he might put your head through some sheetrock.

Going Ape Shit: A 30-year-old woman called police after the person she was arguing with threw a banana at her. She must have felt threatened. I know from cartoons that bananas are no joke when they're just lying on the ground, let alone being used as projectiles.

Chopper City: A man continually called a woman after she told him to stop. During one of these calls the man said, "I'm ready for all of y'all. I got a chopper and I'm ready. Just come on out in the street and I will show you what I got." You just told her what you got – a machine gun. You sure know how to ruin a surprise, don't you?

People Suck: A 24-year-old woman told police that her boyfriend of seven years threw a baby pacifier at her while they were arguing. I think a dirty diaper would have sent a more effective message, but to each his own, I guess.

Love Birds: In other news of loving relationships, a woman became mad when her husband pounded on the bedroom door, demanded money and started looking for her cell phone. She called police because she has a restraining order on her husband that prohibits him from harassing, threatening or annoying her. That is a great way to ensure that you will stay happy in marriage. I'm going to take one of those orders out on everyone I know. Do you think they take him to jail if he snores?

Lucky Idiot: A 52-year-old man was found lying on the ground next to his bike at 10 p.m., and when he woke he was extremely drunk. He later remembered, or maybe decided, that an unknown person had hit him in the head as he rode his bike. No need to make excuses, I take naps during my late night motorcycle cruises all the time. It's the best time to doze off; all that loud noise, cold weather and traffic really makes you feel sleepy.

Heavy Sleeper: A man told police that he woke to find two concrete dog statues missing from his front porch. The man stated that the statues were extremely heavy, not to mention cemented down to the porch. He said he didn't hear any noise during the night and doesn't know how they were removed. Is there some sort of World's Strongest Thief competition on ESPN5 that they were training for? Just seems like a lot of work for nothing to me.

Triple Threat: A 39-year-old woman told police that a man has called and harassed her 15 times. The suspect threatened the victim by saying, "I will fuck you up, shoot you and beat your ass." What does fucking someone up consist of anyway? I could've sworn it went hand in hand with beating someone's ass. Let's try not to be redundant when threatening someone's life.

Bulletin Alert: An employee of Best Buy reported that a suspect walked into the store, concealed a World of Warcraft expansion set and left. Everyone be on the look out for a teenager in questionably-fitting jeans with probable acne. Suspect might be hiding in basement of mother's house, his last known address, and is possibly armed with some sort of medieval weapon replica.

Just Wrong: A man reported that while he was handing out free Thanksgiving turkeys at a local church a man he knew from around the neighborhood grabbed a box of four turkeys and ran with them. You could have gotten one for free, why do you need four? I think I know the answer. God help anyone who would buy a discounted turkey from a guy on the side of the street.

Threat of the Week: A man called his ex-girlfriend 50 times over the course of a month. He harassed her because she refused to be in a relationship with him, and he wants the baby that they have together. During one of these calls he told her, "If you don't be with me I will kill you." I set up an eHarmony account with that being my only description. Nobody's responded yet, it's really depressing.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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