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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Hot and Broth-ered: A 45-year-old man got into hot water when his wife reached the boiling point. According to police reports, the couple was arguing about a bowl of chicken noodle soup when things got out of control, and she became irate and pushed him to the floor. This guy needs to read that new release: Chicken Soup for the Get-Rid-of-the-Fat-Bitch-Who-Argues-Over-Any-Food-But-Salad Soul.

Munchies: A 47-year-old man called police after his girlfriend came home drunk. He alleged that the woman returned home from an unknown location intoxicated and jumped on him, striking him and biting him. When I come home after a night of drinking I get hungry, too, but don't usually look towards my significant other.

Shoeless Joes: Police responded to a shoplifting call from a local thrift store in which two men were accused of attempting to steal shoes. The suspects allegedly entered the store wearing sandals and removed them shortly thereafter, putting on shoes from the store. After the first suspect was confronted, the second removed the stolen shoes and walked around the store in his socks because he apparently couldn't find his sandals.

Sleazy Sleepover: A woman called police after she awoke to a man crawling into her bed. When police arrived, she told them she had mistaken her son's sleepwalking friend for an intruder. The 19-year-old nightwalker could not be awakened to answer questions. She chose not to press charges, but I'm sure the next day's breakfast was awkward.

Embarrass-mint: An elderly man told police that an incompetent (or nice) man broke into his car. After checking his vehicle, the man realized that nothing was stolen, but rather a peppermint and cigarette were left behind. Beware all: If confronted by a criminal, make sure he's taking and not giving.

Breaking and Bailing: A witness called police after watching four females enter a house through a smashed window, and then seeing two of them flee. As the responding officer arrived, a girl jumped from a second-story window. As he chased her, another officer witnessed a second female jump from said window. They were both caught two blocks away. Tip: Go to China and audition for one of those crazy shows. You might make it further, and leave with more than a mug shot and a record.

Pepto Prick: A 55-year-old woman reported that she had been harassed twice by a suspect whose voice she recognized. The first time the suspect called, he belched into the phone and hung up. When he called back, he said, "Jim is not always going to be there to protect you. I'm going to come and get you." Jim was the one who reported the crime to police, but he was unsure if he should protect his family with a handgun or a bottle of Tums.

Big Boss Lady: A young woman told police that she had been harassed by an unknown woman. The suspect told her during a message, "Get off your ass, you lazy bitch." At press deadline, there was no indication whether the victim had gotten off her ass when she placed the police report. Constructive criticism sometimes works for the best.

Reindeer Games: A local man reported to police that his two metal reindeer lawn decorations were stolen from his yard as he slept. You know the economy is tough if Prancer and Dancer are going on strike.

Mental Handicap: A 62-year-old man called the Crime Reporting Unit after a handicap placard was stolen from his Astro van. He said he bought the van, placed the placard inside and, within an hour, the placard was stolen.

Threat of the Week: An 18-year-old girl called police after receiving threatening calls from a known suspect. During one of the hundred calls he placed to her phone, he said, "When I see you in the club, I'm gonna kick you in the stomach." I don't think that was threat; I think 50 Cent just released a song and that's the hook.

Blotters items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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