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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte Police files 

Fear the Beer: A young man told police that he was assaulted while parked in a Plaza Midwood shopping center. The victim reported that an obviously intoxicated, unknown suspect approached and began cursing at him. The suspect then punched the man in the face with a closed fist, and when the victim rolled up his window, the man broke it with a beer bottle. In my defense, I just wanted some directions.

Caring Parent: A couple called police after they exited Wal-Mart to find that their car had been broken into. After further inspection, they found that the only thing stolen from the car was a breast pump. I'm not exactly an expert on the topic, but do you really want to use those after someone else has?

Bad Taste: A security guard caught a man shoplifting from the business he was hired to protect. When police arrived, it was revealed that the thief had attempted to make off with two packages of au jus, two packages of onion gravy, one package of ham, two packages of cheddar cheese, one package of smoked sausage, two cans of Vienna Sausages, two cans of corn and a pack of Kraft Singles. The business had already decided not to press charges. I guess it was all GRAVY. OK, that joke was CORNy. That one was, too.

Good Taste: A man was arrested after concealing an item in his shirt and trying to leave a CVS. The employee who caught the man found that he was attempting to steal one tube of toothpaste. There are certain things in this world that, if someone wants to make the effort to obtain, should be given for free. Toothpaste is one of those things.

Mug Shots: Another CVS called police after being ripped off by an unknown, but not-so-mysterious, woman. The woman reportedly made 47 copies of 8-by-10 photos of herself, walked out without paying, and left the original photo behind. Now if only she would have left her wallet behind, this wouldn't have even been a crime.

Migraine: A man called police after a man he knew called him at 11:40 a.m. and told him he would hurt him by "bashing his brains in." It's not even noon yet, c'mon. Like Katt Williams said, we all know someone who is hard even at breakfast.

Rip-Offs: People seem to be siphoning less gas around Charlotte, but the economy has apparently left many people not wanting to buy their own furnishings. One person who had rented out his house called police when the tenants moved out and took with them the refrigerator, stove, toaster, trash can and shower curtains. In an unrelated case, thieves in an unrelated case made off with the china cabinet, dresser, three heaters, kitchen table, chest, microwave, bedroom set, recliner and even the Christmas tree.

Migraine Plus: A 73-year-old man called police after he was threatened by another man during a family dispute. The suspect reportedly told the man, "I am going to blow your fucking head off." This sort of makes the previous brain-basher look like a candy ass.

Cop Thriller: A couple, one of whom is an employed police officer, were shocked when a man broke into their livestock barn and stole the four-wheeler from inside. The suspect then drove the vehicle into a gate and a kennel, which housed a retired police dog. This is not funny, and actually quite ridiculous, but the K-9 escaped unharmed. You can take the dog off the streets, but you can't keep the streets from the dog.

Karma: A 22-year-old male called police after a man attempted to assault him on a sidewalk late one night. The key word there is "attempted." The suspect reportedly approached the victim and suddenly struck him in the left cheek three times. The victim, who later showed no signs of injury on his face or hands, responded by knocking the suspect unconscious and walking away to call police. I come across a lot of stories I would like to have witnessed; this takes the cake.

The Visitor: A 35-year-old woman reported to police that a known suspect called her and threatened her with violence. The suspect said, "I'm going to mess your car up. I know where your family lives and I'm going to go see them, too." Some people have such embarrassing families that the thought of other people seeing them is truly a threat.

Threat of the Week: A couple called police after receiving multiple threatening phone calls from another couple. The suspects have called them 10 times, leaving messages such as, "We'll be there Thursday, you better be careful walking down the street. I should have put two shots in your head. We got a 12 gauge." My personal favorite? "I hope you die, I'm gonna help you die. I wish you were dead." Always have to respect someone ready to give a helping hand.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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