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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Let's Rage!: The driver of a party bus was forced to call police after one of his riders decided it would be a good time to kick and punch all of the windows out from the backside of the bus as it was traveling down the highway. The suspect apparently took the name of the chauffeur business, Raging Uptown, too seriously.

Survival: A man complained after receiving calls that he found threatening. The suspect, who called just after he had cut the man's clothing to shreds, said, "I will take care of you." This can be taken any number of ways, but I will just say I've been in an ambulance, and this is exactly what happened.

Prophecy: A 28-year-old woman complained when she received a threatening call early in the morning. The suspect allegedly told the woman, "I'm going to hurt you. You will never make it to live longer." A toddler could have put a better sentence together.

Chemical Warfare: The police were called after two women began arguing about personal property. Police were told that one woman threw ammonia on the other and then began punching and scratching the victim's face. The victim complained that, in addition to having bloody scratches on her face, she also was having trouble seeing. And yet, she declined medical aid. At some point, pride has to go out the window.

Emergency NOW: An employee of Dunkin Donuts called police when a fight broke out in his store. A customer who was upset about his order came inside the store and assaulted the employee with a store display. You better run, guy! There will be no shortage of police responding to this one! "I'm on the way, pack me up 12 Boston cremes!"

Aural assault: A 35-year-old female has told police that she has received eight phone calls from an unknown suspect. She told police that the person keeps calling, despite her pleads to the contrary, and just continuously moans into her phone. This person could be in trouble! If Lassie barked in your ear, you would probably just feed the damn thing.

Flamers: A man called police after his house was broken into and only one thing was stolen: a cigarette lighter. You think I'm writing this because that's funny? No, the lighter supposedly was worth $1,800. So you ask yourself: Did he ask for it? Who spends that much on a lighter? What does it do? I don't know, but if that lighter ever runs out, the end must be near.

Protect and Swerve: Police responded to a shoplifting call at a clothing store. The suspect was witnessed concealing a pack of Burberry cologne and exiting the store with said merchandise. The security officer on the scene told police he was able to follow the suspect from a distance, and gave them a great description. Seriously? Is that what I would be paying a security officer to do if someone stole from me? The economy is not good enough to slack like that.

Sharp Tongue: A young woman told police that her uncle beaten her so badly she ended up in the hospital. Apparently, after an argument about something pretty unimportant, the uncle began striking her across the face with his prosthetic limb and then cut her across her head and hand with a machete.

Dr. Dreamy: A young woman complained to police that she had been threatened by a man she knew who said, "I'm going to beat your ass, and I will break your spinal cord to put you in a coma." Something tells me this guy didn't win any science fairs in elementary school.

Wake Up: A 24-year-old man called police after his ex-girlfriend arrived at his work and assaulted him. The girl allegedly walked right up to him at his job and pepper-sprayed him repeatedly. I love girls with this much backbone. You can find my number somewhere at the Loaf. I will bail you out!

Threat of the Week: A man told police that he had been phoned and threatened by an unknown man seven times in one night. During one call, the suspect said, "We are going to find you wherever you are. We know where you work. We are going to fuck you up after we kill you." Please, don't be that guy. When you are sitting in jail passing time, you don't want to be that guy who fucked someone up AFTER you killed them.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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