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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Look Out: A 46-year-old male was taken to the hospital with minor injuries after he struck a light pole with a golf cart. You have to be either really drunk or trying hard to hurt yourself to pull a stunt like this (Shades of Jimmie Johnson).

Help You Help Me: A 37-year-old woman was arrested after causing a scene at Carolinas Medical Center. A nurse told officers the woman was complaining about having to wait, and then kept interfering with other patients' service who had been waiting before she arrived. The only hand you want to bite less than the one that feeds you is the one that puts you back together.

Snatch This: A 45-year-old woman filed a police report after her purse was stolen in Uptown. She told officers that the only thing she was worried about losing was the $300 in quarters that was in the purse. That's 1,200 quarters. I can't decide if this was the right purse to grab or the worst one. You could probably hear the theif running from a block away.

Quick Hands: Another woman had a problem with her purse, but got to keep the bag. A 40-year-old woman told police that an unknown suspect stole her Blackberry while she was eating at a local restaurant. She told them the purse was leaned up against her in a booth the entire time. I just can't understand how this happens. Are you blind? Oh, right ... it doesn't say in the report. She probably is.

Revenge ... Kinda: The owner of a local mortgage company told police that a recently fired employee has been giving her trouble and refused to return personal information on clients. The employee allegedly threatened the owner after being told to return the files, stating, "If you contact police or the banking commission you will see who the real suspect's name is." Did I say "threatened"? I meant assisted.

Hot Dogs: A 52-year-old man told police that his neighbor had threatened him following an argument about the property line. The suspect allegedly told the man, "I'll burn down your house with you and your dogs in it." Something tells me one of those little guys shit in the wrong lawn this time.

Little Punks: A 45-year-old woman filed a police report after her car was vandalized by four juveniles. She told police she witnessed the young men throwing rocks at her car in the parking lot of her apartment complex, and after she asked them to stop, they started throwing more and laughing. That may seem like a futile attempt at justice, but I'm sure it had better chances of working than this incident filed away at the bottom of a huge stack of police reports.

LMAO: The mother of a 14-year-old girl reported to police that her daughter had been threatened over the Internet. The suspect left a message on the girl's MySpace page that read, "When I see you ... POW POW." Looks like somebody is getting their friend request denied.

Not Surprised: A woman called police to report that her 14-year-old child was missing. She told officers that they had both walked into the new IKEA store in University area together and approximately two hours later the girl was nowhere to be found. The girl was last seen in the pillow department. I've been to this place, and when I came out I felt like I had walked through a small country. Why do you need a department dedicated to pillows?

Safe Stealing: An employee at a local Wal-Mart called police after he caught a man shoplifting from the store. He told officers that the man had attempted to stick a three-pack of Trojan condoms in his pocket and leave without paying for them. As a fellow man, there are certain things you don't stand in the way of. He's obviously in an emergency; can't you cover the $2 charge?

Detective Work: A woman called police to file a missing persons report on her 15-year-old son. She told them that he had left the house at about 4 p.m. and not returned since, but she had one good clue for officers. She told police she watched which way he walked down the street after he left and that should help them. If any cop finds this kid off of that tip he needs to be promoted right to lead detective.

Don't Listen: Police were advised that an unknown suspect used black spray paint to spray the words "Stop Snitching" on the back of a 43-year-old man's car. He apparently did not want to listen to the suspects because he got right on the phone and called police. Well, good for you. And good luck with that.

Threat of the Week: A 26-year-old male told police that a known suspect approached him recently and said, "I am going to kick and punch you." I'm serious. You may have noticed the lack of a Threat of the Week last week. Charlotte is losing its sense of violent creativity.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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