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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Little Surprise: A 66-year-old man called police after being assaulted outside his home. He told officers he was walking through his neighborhood when a man approached him and hit him over the head with a garden troll that was two-feet tall. I guess when you walk through that yard, you pay the toll or deal with the troll.

Keep Up: A 29-year-old man filed a police report after his car was broken into outside his apartment. The man told police his passenger window was broken and certain items removed. Those certain items he reported were ketchup packets, which were "recovered" less than 20 feet away. You should thank your lucky stars. When most people lose ketchup packets in such a tragic way, they never see them again.

Motivation: A 42-year-old male called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The man called him on his cell phone and stated, "You are going to die, and I am going to do it myself." It's good to see some people still have the know-how to go out there and get their hands dirty, instead of threatening to unleash their goons and whatnot.

Triple Threat: A 44-year-old woman told police that she was threatened outside of her home recently by a neighbor. She told officers that when the man saw her walking to her car he yelled out, "I will come over there and kick your ass, fuck your place up and kick your car." Well gee golly, just one of those is enough to give someone a panic attack! How could a person deal with all three?

Gangsta Leanin': A 43-year-old man was walking out of a retail store when he witnessed a group of teenagers leaning on his car and loitering around it. When he told one of the kids to get off if his car, the teen responded, "Fuck you. Fuck your car. I will fuck you up. I will fuck your car up. I will burn your car." Kid, go see a doctor, please. It's called Zoloft, and the only side effects are suicidal feelings – which wouldn't be so bad in your case.

Parental Devotion: A 34-year-old woman called police after she was (sort of) threatened by a known suspect. The suspect called her and stated, "This is going to get dangerous. I promise you I will kill for my son." Sounds to me like the person just likes to call people and quote random movie lines.

Educated Guesses: A 40-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by an ex-boyfriend who had beaten her in the past. The man called her and said, "If I see you walking around with your new boyfriend, I think you will end up having a bad day." Who died and made you Miss Cleo?

Child Prodigy: A 37-year-old man called police after being threatened by someone he just did not want to mess with. The man called him while he was at work and said, "I've been a professional boxer since I was 11. I will kick your ass. I will kick your wife's ass. Don't come to my house again, or you will not drive away. They will have to fucking carry you away." Well ... that just about says everything you need to know. I don't know about you, but I'm intimidated.

Biggest Idiot Ever: A 37-year-old man called 911 and had police dispatched to his house after suffering during a horrible emergency. When officers arrived, he told them his passport was lost somewhere in the house. He stated that he remembers having his passport in a briefcase, but after moving homes recently, he can't find the briefcase. He is almost positive it was not stolen. Well, I know my iPod is somewhere in this room, so as soon as I get done with this column, I am alerting the authorities.

Legal/Fecal Matter: A 39-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by a known man. The man came to her hotel room and banged on the door. After not getting an answer he yelled, "I'm gonna get my goons to beat your ass. Then I'm gonna shoot the shit out of you." I can just picture his goons just sitting around saying, "Man, Steve shot the shit out of that girl. Why the hell did we waste our time beating her ass?"

Just Wandering: Police were called to a nursing home after a man was apparently missing. The man told employees he was leaving and said he was "used to being homeless." No attempt was made to keep him there and police were not called until two hours later. Sounds like a real likable guy.

Threat of the Week: A 56-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The suspect called the man at his work and said in Spanish, "If you do not transfer the property to me in two weeks, I am not going to kill you like a woman. I am going to kill you like a real man." I think something was definitely lost in translation here because I am just not scared.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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