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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Got Balls?: A 47-year-old man called police after being nearly killed by two random thugs. He told officers that he was watering his lawn, minding his own business, when he heard a voice from behind him telling him not to move. He turned around and saw two men standing in his front yard, one of them pointing a pistol at him. The victim then sprayed the suspects with his water hose, because what else would you do? The suspect fired a shot at the victim and fell over. The shot missed and the victim also fell over as the two suspects ran away down the street. That's how you deal with annoying neighbors' dogs and Dennis the Menace, not armed assailants. Not smart – but still my hero of the week.

Working For Tips: A 23-year-old woman called police after being sexually assaulted by a man she had never met. She told officers that she caught a taxi to get home from a downtown bar, and when she was about halfway there the driver reached back and attempted to fondle her inappropriately. This exact thing happened to me before – after a night of drinking way too much ... but I think he was just slapping me to keep me conscious.

Hardcore Gamer: A 16-year-old kid called police after being robbed at a Charlotte bus stop. He told officers that he was sitting at the bus stop playing with his PSP (portable PlayStation device) when a car pulled up and an occupant pointed a gun at him, demanding the game. The victim told the men, "No!" and continued to play. One of the suspects then got out of the car and pistol-whipped the victim, therefore gaining custody of the PSP. This kid must've been far past his record high score at this point to refuse a gun in his face.

What To Expect when expecting: A 30-year-old mother-to-be filed a police report after being threatened multiple times by the proud father. She told police that the man has called her 40 times after being told not to do so. The man told her that he would kill her and her unborn baby if she did not let him come and get the stuff he left at the apartment they used to share. Sometimes you leave a baby in a woman ... sometimes you leave your favorite jacket in a closet. It's all about prioritizing.

Slumber Party: A 37-year-old woman called police after her son was robbed by one of his teenage friends. She told officers she dropped her son off, Xbox in tow, at a friend's house for a sleepover party. When her son woke up the next morning, the Xbox and both controllers were gone, as well as half of the partygoers. Damn, when I was his age you just got drawn on if you fell asleep first, not burglarized.

Ashy Larry: Employees at a local Walgreens called police after catching an apparently dirty man shoplifting. They witnessed the man putting something into his pockets on the video camera and confronted him before he left. The man had a bar of soap and a bottle of cocoa butter in his pockets.

Pleasantville: A 41-year-old man filed a police report after being threatened by the most cordial suspect ever. The victim told police the man called him and said, "Hi, how are ya? I got someone to come and get my money, so look over your shoulder, buddy." The victim told officers he "feels the threat is valid," yet, I've read it a few times now and still can't find the threat. Is this a trick threat?

But, Still: A 34-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by a known suspect. The man called the victim and stated, "I am going to kill you bitch. You and your daughter fucked up this time." When the woman told him she was going to file a restraining order when she hung up the phone, the suspect replied, "That's straight. I'm 'bout to be locked up anyway." Well, all right then – that takes care of that problem.

Getting Greedy: A 62-year-old man called police after experiencing a rude awakening. He told police he suddenly woke in his bed in the middle of the night and found a man standing in his bedroom. The suspect fled but got away with the victim's laptop, digital camera and iPod. I must say, you are up on your gadgetry for someone born in the first half of the 20th century. Much respect.

Stubborn Jackasses: Police were called to the scene of a fight after both suspects in the fight called them. Both suspects, a man and a woman, claimed the other hit them first. Both suspects refused to voluntarily leave for the night, a decision that would have equaled case closed. Both suspects refused to prosecute each other. Neither suspect would stop yelling at the other in police presence, forcing officers to arrest them both and take them to the jail. You two have a lot in common. You should date! Oh, wait...

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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