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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Getting Screwed: A 27-year-old man called police after his house was broken into. He told officers that the suspect(s) took a mountain bike, $300 worth of porno DVDs and his wedding band. Damn, I don't know which one you should tell your wife about first. You know she's not going to give you any for a while for losing the ring – and now all your porn's gone.

Don't Make Me: A man was arrested after threatening another man in the presence of a police officer. The suspect told the victim he would call his family over and over until a war broke out. The victim told the officer he took this as a real threat and was in fear of physical harm. If Ahmadinejad starts using scare tactics like these, we are in for one long, merciless and cruel ... phone bill.

Bad Country Song: A 42-year-old man called police after being threatened over the phone by a known suspect. The suspect called the man 18 times in an hour and stated, "I'm going to fuck your house up. Then I'm going to fuck your truck up." Then your scooter, then your bike, then your rollerblades, then your shoes ...

Clean Freak: A 19-year-old called police after being assaulted by her roommate. The girl told police she was vacuuming their apartment when her roommate saw that she had missed a corner on the far side of the room. The roommate then became angry and threw a mason jar at the victim, leaving a bruise on her leg. Now I know why they use the word anal to describe these assholes.

Save the Pandas: An employee at a local Panda Express called police after the store was robbed. The man told police that a man came in armed with a gun and demanded all the money from the cash register. The man left with $1 in cash and fled the scene. I would stake out the nearest McDonald's – there aren't many other places to go with a buck.

Say Cheese: A 62-year-old man called police after his vehicle was damaged by some local thugs. He told officers he had become sick of seeing the kids sell drugs across the street from his home day after day so he began videotaping them. The suspects became angry at this and threw two bricks through the victim's windshield. Feeding bears only makes them more aggressive. Videotaping the drug dealers has the same effect.

Economic Woes: A 40-year-old woman called police after she realized she had been ripped off by a local bank. She told officers that her husband had cashed a check at the bank earlier in the day only to realize later that some of the currency was counterfeit. This has got to be the biggest sign of a bad economy ­– when banks start trying to slip people Monopoly money.

Think Fast: A 64-year-old man called police after being assaulted in his own home. He told officers that as soon as he entered the front door of his home, a woman started throwing an assortment of knives at him from across the room. The suspect then charged and lunged at him with a knife in her hand. The victim reported that he deflected the knife from the woman's hand and disarmed her without injury. This goes to prove what I've always warned people: You have to stay on your toes because there's always the chance a ninja will be on the other side of any door.

Back To School: An employee at a local Kohl's called police after catching two men attempting to shoplift from his store. He told officers the men were in possession of five pairs of shoes, three T-shirts, kid's pants, seven kid's shirts, a running suit, two sweat shirts, five pairs of pants, two pairs of toddler sweatpants, four sweatsuits, a dress, one pair of adult sweatpants, five pairs of jeans and a Panthers shirt. If this was one of those times when you go in the fitting room and try to stuff stolen gear under the clothes you have on, that would be hilarious.

Good Worker: An employee of a local Wild Wing Café called police after a man refused to pay his bill. The man sat down and ordered a plate of wings and a lot of alcohol. When he finished, he simply got up and stumbled out the door. The reporting employee followed him out and asked him why he hadn't paid, and the intoxicated man told him he only had $4 in his pocket and had planned on washing dishes to compensate the business but got too drunk.

Never Scared: A 27-year-old woman called police after she was threatened by a known suspect. The woman called her 65 times in a matter of two weeks and stated threats such as, "I will come over to the hood and fuck you up. I will come to your work and fuck you up." Will you fuck me up, Sam I Am? Will you fuck me up eating green eggs and ham?

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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