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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Break a Leg: Police responded to an assault call after two men who knew each other were involved in a shooting. The victim said that the suspect aimed for and hit his prosthetic leg with a bullet, which then ricocheted into his "remaining" leg. It's tough to tell from the police or news reports whether this was an assault or two kids messing around, but it's clear someone was not thinking on their feet ... or foot.

The Hard Way: Police responded to a suicide call after a 14-year-old girl, who stated she wanted to die, ingested an entire bottle of Midol and an unknown amount of roach insecticide. Why would you deliberately try to make your last moments on earth the most disgusting time of your short life? Well, I hope life improves; just think how long it will be before you ever suffer cramps and bloating again!

The Good Life: A 29-year-old woman called police after her close friend refused to return her food stamp card. She told officers the man was holding her card until she returned all of his clothes that she had in her possession. When she returned the clothes, the man changed his mind and said he would keep the card. She told officers the man was her "play brother" but there was no real blood relation. Well officers, I suggest you put one of your best play detectives on this one.

What Had Happened: A 42-year-old man called police after realizing that his cell phone had been stolen. He said he passed out during his bachelor party and slept from 2:30 a.m. until 4 a.m. When he woke up, he saw that his Blackberry was gone. Is Mike Tyson's tiger not in your bathroom? You have all your teeth? No naked Asian drug lords in the trunk of your car? Oh, this is just lame.

Blotter's Best Friend: A 31-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by a known suspect. The man called her 150 times in a three-day span and left a message at one point stating, "Bitch you are going to die. I'm leaving it on your voicemail so you can play it for whoever the fuck you want to. Bitch I'm going to get you." And I'm writing it right here in The Blotter so you can read it whenever the fuck you want to as well.

No Girls Allowed: A 35-year-old man called police after being threatened by an ex-girlfriend whom he apparently shared a residence with at some point. The woman called the victim's phone and said, "You brought a female into our home, and when I see you, I am going to kill you both." Everybody knows Spanky doesn't fuck around when it comes to the rules of the clubhouse.

Meet and Greet: A 36-year-old female called police after being threatened by an unknown suspect. The suspect texted her at least 10 times and stated, "I am going to fuck you up. I am going to meet you on the street and fuck you up." So from then on, I would be weary of anyone who walks up to you on the street.

Priorities: A 16-year-old girl filed a police report after being threatened by an unknown suspect. The man has called the girl repeatedly over the last month and made all sorts of harassing comments. During one call he said, "I will kill you. I will rape you. I will fuck you." Is it going to be in that order?

Smokey the Bad Parent: Police were called to an apartment to investigate after a family's unit was burned severely in a fire. While the mother was being questioned by officers she told them she wasn't exactly sure how the fire started. She advised that her son was in his room playing with matches and the "next she knows the home was on fire." That's when she and her son ran out of the building as fast as they could with a pair of scissors in each hand.

Eco-Friendly: A 36-year-old man called police after he was assaulted by his wife. He said that they were in the midst of a heated argument when the woman scratched him down the back of his neck with her fingernails and then threw a piece of coral at his right elbow. So what are you really doing when you preserve a coral reef in Costa Rica or somewhere? You're keeping weapons off the streets, that's what you're doing.

Threat of the Week: A 42-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The suspect called and texted the victim 50 times throughout one day and made statements such as, "I am waiting on you outside all night long if needed hoe. I have a key and a gun and your car will be fucked up. It will take place tonight. You must think I am joking." I guess the victim was probably just laughing the entire time this idiot was talking.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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