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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Now You Tell Me: A 21-year-old woman called police twice in one day following arguments with her estranged husband. During the first call she only told officers that they had an argument and she was a little worried about her safety. She then talked to the man on the phone, and he said if she ever contacted the police he would kill her and then himself. To which she hopefully responded, "OK, dialing ... now."

Nurse!: Police responded to an assault call at a hospital after a 96-year-old woman was struck by someone. According to the police report, the woman was transported to the hospital due to her old age, where she was struck repeatedly with the Nurse Call button. I guess the nurse gets cranky when you call her every 10 minutes to tell her how amazing the color TV in your room looks.

Strikeout: A 25-year-old man called police after being assaulted by his girlfriend during an argument. He told officers that at some point during the night, the woman got angry with him and stated that she wanted to kill him. She then threw an iron, a knife and a shoe at him but never hit him. That's so sweet – your girlfriend misses you even when you just walk to the next room. After building a horrible pitching record, the girl just brought it back to the basics and punched him in the left eye with a closed fist.

Do You Know?: A 48-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known suspect over the phone. The suspect called the man and stated, "Do you know how many fucking people I know that can kill you? And if they don't, I will find you and do it myself." It seems you went from pretty confident about all of your killer friends to pretty doubtful in a short period of time. Well, you believe in yourself – and that's all that matters.

Very Thirsty: Police were called to a local Tru Food grocery store after a man shoplifted in broad daylight. Witnesses told officers that a man entered the store and picked up a case of beer. He then took a knife out of his pocket and told everyone in the vicinity he would cut whoever tried to stop him from leaving the store. When he did get out the door, he pushed a 6-year-old boy to the ground for good measure. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether somebody has a drinking problem. Maybe the kid gave him some dirty looks.

Punky Brewster: A 33-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect over the phone. The suspect called her seven times in four hours and stated, "I'm coming up there with a fucking attitude, and you can tell Karla I will fuck her up, too." Well, there you go suspect. Don't say I never did anything for you.

Courthouse Drama: A 48-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened at a court hearing. She told officers that she was leaving the courtroom when the suspect approached her and said, "We need to talk. You know I did not tell you that." She then lunged toward the victim and yelled, "I am going to get you." That's the way to help whatever case it is you're trying to win! Plead insanity!

Spittin' Game: A 36-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a nice young gentleman who was attempting to court her. She told officers the man told her that he would "cut her throat and swell her eye or possibly kill her" if he couldn't have her to himself. Chivalry isn't dead yet ... it's just bleeding and swollen.

Work To Sit: Employees at a local dentist's office called police after the bench that was bolted down in front of their parking lot was somehow unscrewed and stolen overnight. Apparently the people didn't know that you didn't need to have dental coverage as a part of your plan in order to sit down.

Whip It Out: Police were called to the scene of a crime when a very impatient man was caught doing something all too wrong. Witnesses said the man was walking down S. Tryon Street when he suddenly pulled out his penis and began masturbating against a wall. The man was arrested two blocks from the scene, probably smoking a cigarette.

Staying Fresh: A man was arrested at a local Wal-Mart after being caught attempting to steal five bottles of Febreze and six pairs of underwear. Five bottles of Febreze is what you call a "hobo shower."

Threat of the Week: A 25-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known woman over the phone. The woman called him five times for the purpose of threatening and harassing him, making statements such as, "You are not safe wherever you go. Your house is not going to be there no more. My new boyfriend is going to take care of all my problems." Ever since Miss Cleo went bankrupt her readings are more ominous and a little self-serving.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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