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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Doin' Work: A 35-year-old woman called police after she was burglarized by her own son. She told officers that she always keeps her door locked when she goes to work, and her son is the only one there. When she returned on this day, the "home invader in training" had kicked the bedroom door off the hinges and stolen $80 in cash and change. That's what happens when you are a day late with my allowance, woman!

Geek Squad: A 49-year-old man called police after being threatened-through-proxy by a known suspect. He told officers that he was at the suspect's house when the suspect's computer started acting up. When the victim told the suspect he could not fix the computer in question, she responded by stating, "I will get my nephew over and jack you up." Like computer jack, get it? I love visiting Auntie Annie; she always has something fun for me to do.

DIY: A 36-year-old employee of a local dry cleaner called police after being assaulted in his workplace. He told officers that a man walked into the store and asked for his clothing. Since the suspect didn't have his receipt, the employee told him there was nothing she could do. Upon hearing this, the man came behind the counter and pushed her to the ground. He then calmly walked around the store trying to locate his clothes. When he could not find them, he left and drove away as if nothing had happened. I did this one time when McDonald's told me the ice cream machine was broken. (It really was.)

Get Your Own Friends: A 34-year-old man called police after being threatened over the phone. He told officers the suspect told him, "I am going to call some of your friends, and you will see what is going to happen to you." How does that work? The enemy of your enemy is your friend. The friend of your enemy is your foot soldier?

Let's Cook: Employees of a local restaurant arrived at work recently to find that the place had been broken into. The manager told officers that someone smashed the front window and gained access by unlocking the dead bolt. They then proceeded to steal the entire food prep table, the sandwich bar and the ice tea maker. I don't know where they went, but wherever it is will be well-catered.

Mother-Son Bonding: A 22-year-old male called police after being threatened over the phone. He told officers that during one of the suspect's 14 calls to his home, he stated, "I am going to shoot you in the head and shoot your momma in the head also." I hate when the father misses out on real family time while traveling.

Lesson Learned: A 39-year-old man called police after some of his property was damaged by a reckless driver. He told police he was in his front lawn when he witnessed someone crash through his mailbox and into his car. When he realized the driver was simply planning to drive away, the victim followed him. The suspect then saw the man following him and rammed him another time for good measure before getting away. When the victim returned home, he found the driver's ID card laying on his driveway – meaning that he risked his life for no good reason.

Tag Team: A 30-year-old woman and her 16-year-old friend called police after being assaulted in the older woman's house. She told officers that following an argument, a woman hit her in the face and pushed her down to the ground. A second suspect then kicked the younger girl down a flight of steps, breaking the railing and harming the girl. You ladies really need to get some recording equipment set up next time this stuff starts – people will pay to see this. Or at least I would.

Beauty Queens: A 20-year-old woman called police to the Regency Beauty Institute after she was assaulted in the classroom by another girl in her class. She told officers that she approached a group of women and asked them to refrain from cursing, then walked away to avoid more confrontation. Then one of the girls stated, "This one right here is telling us to refrain from cussing," as if she didn't understand the word but thought it was probably bad. She then pelted the victim in the back of the head with a pen hard enough to draw blood. And that was the closest thing to a makeover anyone accomplished in class all day.

Threat of the Week: A 36-year-old employee of the Regency Beauty Institute called police after being threatened by a student, on a different time and date than the above incident. She told officers that the suspect told her, "I can get fucking ghetto on you. I'm pretty sure that you fucking don't want to see that shit. I'm going to get you." Damn, classes must get intense at this place. I'm sure these things happen in Ivy League schools all the time.

Blotter items are chosen from the file of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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